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ALDS Game 3 Preview: Carson Cistulli’s Druthers

Starting Pitchers
Tampa Bay: Matt Garza (R)
204.2 IP, 6.60 K/9, 2.77 BB/9, .279 BABIP, 35.8 GB%, 10.0 HR/FB%, 4.51 xFIP.

Texas: Colby Lewis (R)
201.0 IP, 8.78 K/9, 2.91 BB/9, .292 BABIP, 37.9 GB%, 8.2 HR/FB%, 3.93 xFIP.

If Carson Cistulli Had His Druthers: A (Not-All-Inclusive) Retrospective
• April 28: “Colby Lewis would just get it over with, and admit to everyone that he’s the Son of Man … Colby Lewis would soar like an eagle — into my heart.”
• April 30: “Colby Lewis would steal fire from the gods and give it to humans … Colby Lewis would fashion all humankind from clay … Colby Lewis would continue to pitch out of his mind, thus validating my continued presence on this, the internet’s clearinghouse for baseball nerdom.”
• May 21: “Colby Lewis would found a fast-food chain … The featured item on menu of said chain would be sliders … Get it? Sliders!”
• August 13: “Someone would design a plane or something modeled after Colby Lewis’s dynamism.“
• September 27: “I’d write a “season with”-type book featuring Colby Lewis and Andres Torres and maybe Manny Parra … It’d mostly be about all of us playing volleyball together.”

Other Quotes Emphasized in Mr. Lewis’ Restraining Order Claim
• April 12: “I’ve been seduced by the righty’s optimistic CHONE projection and have heralded him — on this site, to my mother, wherever — as a Person of Interest for this here season.”
• May 5: “Even though it’ll probably seem like it most of the time, Colby Lewis will not, in fact, be the only guy on the field this afternoon in Oakland. In fact, there are a couple-few players who — despite lacking Lewis’s direct connection to the godhead — have actually managed to distinguish themselves as worthy of the baseballing enthusiast’s attention.”
• On May 21:

What You, the Reader, Are Saying to Me
Hey, Carson: did you ever consider for even one second in your life that maybe Colby Lewis isn’t some kind of deity?
What I Am Saying Right Back to You
Yeah, I actually did think that for a second, and it was the darkest, loneliest second of my life, you jerk nut.

• May 28: “Watch For: Colby Lewis, Duh.”
• June 18: “Colby Lewis is in my heart and he’s in my soul. Also, he’s probably gonna be my breath should I grow old. So, back off.”
• July 16: “To my sabremetric brothers and sisters, I’d like to inform you that the Most Reverend Colby Lewis will be preaching the Gospel of Joy tonight from the Fenway Park mound. Here’s what you can expect: lifted spirits, charismatic gifts, and a slightly regrettable soul patch.”
• August 13: “Colby Lewis is dynamic. That’s it: he’s just frigging dynamic.”
• August 19: “Colby Lewis is a Colby Lewis among men.”
• August 24: “And also, I SCREAM FOR COLBY LEWIS.”
• September 9: “Ask not what your Colby Lewis can do for you; ask what you can do for your Colby Lewis.”

Why I Didn’t Give You a Link to All These Articles
If you put “Colby Lewis” and “Carson Cistulli” into Google, you get 704 results. In fact, if you do it right now, you’ll probably get 705 results.

The Time Cistulli Offered Real, White-Hot Analysis: April 30
In the hours before Lewis’ first complete game shutout, and the months before they would become teammates, the prophetic Cistulli wrote this:

Five Bizarre Connections Between Colby Lewis and Cliff Lee
Put away those Ouija boards, kids, and prepare to get your minds freaked. Behold these five bizarre connections between tonight’s starters.

1. Both pitchers have two first names.
2. Both have the initials C.P.L. (Colby Preston Lewis, Clifton Phifer Lee.)
3. Both pitchers have pitched in the East: Lee in the NL East, Lewis in the Far.
4. Owing to the fact that they’re both so nasty, neither Lewis nor Lee has ever, in fact, kissed his mother with that mouth.
5. Lewis’s secretary was named Kennedy; Lee’s, Lincoln. Don’t even look it up, it’s true. You’ve got the Cistulli Guarantee on that.

Tonight’s ALDS Game 3 Preemptive Review

1. Josh Hamilton will mash a tater.

2. The tater will be cooked by Matt Garza.

3. Colby Lewis will throw stinky cheese on top of his sliders.

4. Other Rays players will be there tonight, too.

5. And all of them will probably strike out.