All-Joy Team: Ben “The BZA” Zobrist
Note to the Reader: I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that what follows constitutes a genre-busting moment in the annals of sportswriting. So, just prepare yourself for that, is what I’m saying.
What you’re reading when you’re reading these words is Carson Cistulli’s most recent submission to the All-Joy Team. If you’re unfamiliar with the project, then you’ll want to read the introductory posts (yes, plural!) some time before you shuffle off this mortal coil.
In the meantime, you’ll be fine knowing that this is an attempt to compile a 25-man roster of current players most capable of providing joy to the sabermetrically inclined.
Today, shortstop (categories in parentheses).
SS: Ben Zobrist, Tampa Bay (1,3,5)
Sometimes you’re enamored of a player because he rises from relative obscurity to the top of the WAR charts on the strength of power, patience, and a glove than can handle almost any position admirably. Other times, it’s because a normally courteous internet presence threatens violence against your person unless you include him (i.e. Zobrist) in the Fake Team you’re composing.
In this case, it’s both.
I’m sure I don’t have to remind present company about Zobrist’s criz-nasty 2009 season. I don’t have to, but I will, anyway. Regard:
40.1 park-adjusted wRAA
Pow!
26.4 UZR
Bang!
8.6 WAR.
Schla-gong!!!
Owing to the East Coast/West Coast-style gang war currently going on in re peak years, I feel uncomfortable saying whether the 28-year-old Zobrist has already had, is about to enter, or is currently in the midst of his peak. One school of thought — a.k.a. probably the only school that would ever grant admission to someone like me — is that it doesn’t particularly matter: Zobrist has made his bed, lied in it, fallen into a deep asleep, woken up the next day, driven to Tropicana field, hit a bunch of homers, gone to the club with R. Kelly, gone to the after party with R. Kelly, gone to the hotel lobby with R. Kelly, hired a car service to bring him home, and fallen back asleep in/on/whatever that very same bed that he made earlier. In other words: he’s the realest of the deals. Ya heard!
Another point in Zobrist’s favor — and one that makes him a Category Five player — is the presence of the letter Z in his surname. It’s a well-known fact that Zs are reserved only for the coolest of the cool dudes: Bay Area yoga instructor and occasional left-handed starter Barry Zito, German filmmaking ubermensch Werner Herzog, and Wu-Tang founding fathers The RZA and The GZA.
The BZA — as he’s known to absolutely no one — is projected by CHONE to bat .268/.368/.463. ZiPS is even less optimistic: .261/.356/.443. My Intution says “Funk dat.” And much like Sex Panther cologne, 60 percent of the time, my Intuition is right every time.
Oh, and to the guy in the back who’s all, “Hey, why’d you pick Zobrist to play shortstop when he’s clearly more valuable as a second bas- blah blah blah,” here’s my reply: First, I think it’s pretty obvious we all agreed to call him “The BZA.” Get it right, please. Second, I’ve already made it abundantly clear that I will not always be “utilizing reason” or “using facts” to support these selections. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the transparent eyeball:
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So then the question becomes:
Who’s produced more hits, the RZA or the BZA?
The BZA…I’m down with it.
Seems like a guy who puts up 8.6 WAR, even if he’s already peaked, should be better than CHONE or ZiPS say. But, well, they don’t account for joy.
Carson, are there any projection systems for a player’s joyosity moving forward?
Andy, I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that’s obviously the biggest question facing our generation. There’s health care and then, a little bit above it, player joy projections.
+ closest to the perfect 5-tool player last year:
http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/content/blog_article/introducing-the-5-tool-analyzer/P20/
And that graphic’ll make you pretty happy too.
This is the wheelhouse Cistulli. Like the best Guided by Voices songs, I wanted it to keep going, if only just a little longer.
This might, arguably, be the greatest moment for this website. I wish Jesus was alive to see this.
Of course, without your violent gesture, I might not have been inclined to lean Zobrist’s way.
“I did not come to bring peace, but a sword”: Jesus of Nazareth or Sandy Kazmir? Hard to say.
I am BZA, king of kings! Look upon my dingers, ye mighty, and despair!
Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
I’m more of a fisticuffs kind of guy.
he is: twitter.com/jesus
To those who doubt Zobrist, he’s a very big guy- his capability for power is not a fluke.
Loving this series of articles.
As something of a transcendentalist myself, Carson, I’m REALLY digging all the Emerson in your stuff.
Oh, yeah, and your writing’s pretty good.
The GZA’s got that clumsy flow (that’s a good thang thang)
Come on, guys.. do your wikipedia homework. It’s Zorilla, like the bozilla and he gets his marching orders from Christ. He’s on a strong dose of the God stuff, and that’s how he rolls..
Carson, I don’t know if you realize this but somehow you managed to combine my two favorite loves in wu tang and baseball, I would have bet against this ever happening.
I don’t even know what to say, this is revolutionary.
This is the pinnacle of baseball writing. Long live the BZA!
Jesus, I used to despise all of Carson’s posts. Somewhere along the way, I felt neutral and now I actually like them. It’s been some sort of subconcious shift; I let my defenses down.
I always give my own comments thumbs up.
The Z thing is the truth.
Um can mrs. zobrist be invited to the joy parade?
http://www.playerwives.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/1314116887_l-myspacer.jpg
I’m not sold on that being an organic human being
Umm Julianna looks good. Like really good. Like forbidden apple good. Here’s maybe my favorite pic of them:
http://www.playerwives.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/l_0b2b6deeb879bd35516dc82b52145c4c-myspacer.jpg
Zobot is the coolest.
Are you talking about the wife, or the husband?
BenZo seems to be the anti Joe Hardy of our day. What sort of deal did he make with his Savior?
Amazing post.
I agree with CedarA above, I didn’t think I’d ever see Wu-Tang and sabermetrics together.
And it was hilarious.
Wow. So much Joy!