NLDS Game Two Preemptive Review: Philadelphia

As the reader will already know, my colleagues here at FanGraphs have gone to great lengths to provide learned previews for each of the postseason games thus far. Certainly, the writing and the analysis, it’s quite good — nor would I dare change it.

Having said that, though, I will level criticism on one ground — namely, for their (i.e. my colleagues’) inability to predict the future, or even to offer a prediction of same.

For example, consider Dave Cameron’s preview of tonight’s Cincinnati-Philadelphia game. Looking at the contest from the Reds’ point of view, Cameron offers some notes on Roy Oswalt‘s excellence, Bronson Arroyo‘s relative inferiority, and how Dusty Baker might be best suited to leverage his bullpen against the Phillies.

That’s fine — all of it — but one thing is conspicuous by its absence from Cameron’s preview: the exact score of the game and the specific events leading to said score.

With all due respect to Cameron, I’m forced to ask: Is this still 2009, or something? If FanGraphs is going to lead the way in baseballing analysis, Dave, we’re gonna have to go the extra mile.

It’s with those shortcomings in mind that I offer to the reader this “Preemptive Review” of Game Two of the Cincy-Philly Divisional Series — in which the author (I, Carson One-Million-Dollars Cistulli) provide a review of a game that has as yet to occur.

You can find an image of the game’s exact box score below and a can see both the box score and play-by-play by clicking here. In the meantime, however, here are some things that will definitely, no-questions-asked occur tonight:

1. Roy Oswalt will strike out 15 batters, en route to a 5-2 victory.
It’s a true fact!

2. Chase Utley will hit two homers, one of the inside-the-park variety.
It’s been pre-ordained!

3. Aaron Harang will pitch 0.1 IP in relief.
Doubt it at your own risk!

4. Laynce Nix will twice be “frozen” on a strike three.
It’s getting cold in here!

5. With two outs in the sixth inning, Drew Stubbs will limit Placido Polanco to a single on a line drive “smoked” to right-center field
Why even question it?!?

Note: The box score and play-by-by play are definitely NOT courtesy of What If Sports. How you even got that idea is super preposterous.

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

17 Responses to “NLDS Game Two Preemptive Review: Philadelphia”

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  1. Conshy Matt says:

    omg, is madson hurt? why is it durbin and contreras after Roy O? i thought they installed kid-friendly rubber edges on all the chairs in the clubhouse???

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  2. Cole Handsome says:

    It would be a cold day in hell when Charlie uses Contreras over Ryan Madson. Don’t count on five home runs at CBP in October; the wind and cold can make it a tough park to hit in on the right day.

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  3. Conshy Matt says:

    it’s a balmy 77 and (always) sunny here in philadelphia. no wind either.

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    • Cole Handsome says:

      Yeah, it’s nicer than Wednesday. CBP was playing like a big park that day, not that it mattered (except to Ryan Howard, who lost a hit)

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  4. Chris R says:

    I cannot be as precise as Carson, but here in Phila., we should have a game time temp of 70 degrees, cooling to about 60 degrees by 10 PM. The wind will blow out moderately to right. Put me down for HRs by Rolen, Werth, Rollins and a mammoth shot by Howard. I have spoken.

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  5. Evan says:

    The game will be 2-1 Phillies with a 2 run blast from none other than Carlos Ruiz in the 5th.

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  6. Adam D says:

    since we haven’t seen any type of review for the Rangers, maybe you could write a post-emptive preview for game 2 of Rays-Rangers?

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  7. bflaff says:

    You can tell how confident people are about the Phillies chances when the post is a goof and the comments focus on the weather.

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  8. Anon21 says:

    Reds, Twins (or should it be Phils, Yanks?) bent on making Cameron wrong

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  9. B says:

    The game will feature 6 errors, 3 Phillies will be HBP and the Phillies squeak out a wild 7-4 victory.

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  10. Eric says:

    Nice job on Arroyo’s batting line 0-2 with a K

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