Today’s edition of One Night Only is gonna make you sweat.
Sorry about that.
(NERD scores in parentheses. All times Eastern.)
Tuesday, August 24 | Minnesota (7) at Texas (8) | 8:05pm ET
Twins: Carl Pavano (6)
174.0 IP, 5.17 K//9, 1.50 BB/9, .285 BABIP, 49.6% GB, 9.1% HR/FB, 3.91 xFIP
Rangers: Colby Lewis (6)
155.0 IP, 8.94 K/9, 2.90 BB/9, .291 BABIP, 37.9% GB, 7.9% HR/FB, 3.86 xFIP
I feel like you’re judging me because I picked this game. You’re like, “Oh, what, Colby Lewis pitches and you just automatically pick that game?!? Do you even know that there’re like twenty-nine other teams, Cistulli — and like, I don’t know, three-hundred other starting pitchers?”
Listen, okay: stop judging me with your judgments. Because, you know what? You know who else got judged with a lot of judgments? Jesus*. That’s who.
So, cram it.
*It occurs to me that you might think I mean Jesus of Nazareth. Actually, no; I’m talking about this guy Jesus I went to high school with. Great guy, but short. So a lot of people judged him on that. But he was really just like you. Unless you’re tall, I mean. In which case, he wasn’t like you at all.
Opening Statement, Version 2.0
This is just one of three games today with a Game NERD in the 7s. Here are the others:
But Why I Picked This One
Because, I don’t care, I’m not gonna watch Rodrigo Lopez pitch.
But Why I Picked This One, Version 2.0
Because the Twins and Rangers are in first place.
And also, the Rangers almost no-hit the Twinkers last night.
And also, I SCREAM FOR COLBY LEWIS.
On Carl Pavano and the Moustache Situation
The internet has found out that Carl Pavano has a sweet moustache. “Which moustache?” maybe you’re asking (because this is your first time ever near a computer). This one:
Wait, that’s Hercule Poirot. This is what I mean:
I’m the sort of guy to get breaking news. So when I wanted to get a big story on these moustaches, I went to one of my trusted sources — i.e. Bryz of Off the Mark.
I was like, “Hey, Bryz: tell me something I don’t know about this whole moustache situation.”
He was like (and I quote):
Pavano took the field during his second-to-last start at Target Field to the tune of the Super Mario theme. Whereas Mario throws only one type of fireball, Pavario throws as many as four: two-seam fastball, Vulcan change (Pavario calls it a fosh), four-seam fastball, and a slider. Based on pitch type linear weights, these pitches are just as deadly as Mario’s fireball.
Pavano’s mustache has the ability to perform inception, causing you to want to grow a mustache. It’s certainly worked on Twins mascot T.C.
Good work, Bryz. Top shelf.
Finally, An Actual Fact
Minnesota is second in the majors in park-adjusted weighted runs above average (wRAA), and first in Batting-plus-Fielding WAR.
If I Had My Druthers
• Colby Lewis and Carl Pavano would make a second version of C+C Music Factory.
• This version wouldn’t be a band, at all, but an actual factory.
• Said factory would supply jobs to un- and underemployed Americans.
The Rest of Tonight’s Games
pNERD = Pitcher NERD
tNERD = Team NERD
Game = Time and Average NERD for Game
* = Estimated NERD