Second Opinion Player-Profile Game, Question #5

Note: The 1:30pm ET deadline has passed. All submissions time-stamped at 1:30pm and before will be considered for the 2011 Second Opinion. Those after the deadline will still be considered in the heart of this author.

A winner will be announced this afternoon. Thanks, everyone!

As announced recently, FanGraphs will once again be offering to the public its fantasy companion guide, The Second Opinion.

In the meantime, we’re playing the player-profile game that I intoduced in these pages last offseason.

The game is easy: one person (me, in this case) offers the text of single player profile, being careful to omit any proper names that might reveal the identity of the player in question. The other person (you, the reader) attempts to identify the player using only the details provided in the profile.

***

Today’s question must be answered in two parts, as follow. In your reply in the comment section below, please include:

1. The name of the player in question.

2. What you consider to be the most appropriate epithet for said player. Homer, for example, mostly only ever refers to the “wine-dark sea” or “loud-thundering Zeus” or “Achilles, breaker of men.”* What ought to be this player’s epithet?

*More awesome Homeric epithets here.

To win, you must provide the correct name and also the sweetest epithet.

The submission window runs until 1:30pm ET. Limit one entry per person. Winner receives free access to the 2011 Second Opinion.

Note: The 1:30pm ET deadline has passed. All submissions time-stamped at 1:30pm and before will be considered for the 2011 Second Opinion. Those after the deadline will still be considered in the heart of this author.

A winner will be announced this afternoon. Thanks, everyone!

Can you catch a rainbow and put it in your pocket? Can you snatch a butterfly out of the sky, and say to it, “Hey, stop being a butterfly for a moment will you”? No! Such is the [BLANK]… Even for those who weren’t necessarily swept up by [BLANK] Fever, it’s hard to deny the righty’s accomplishments in 2010. In his first season back from Japan, [BLANK] surprised almost every baseball pundit by throwing 200-plus innings of sub-4.00 ERA ball. Nor was it smoke and mirrors: [BLANK’S] xFIP (3.93) and FIP (3.55) suggest that the ERA is real. While [HIS TEAM’S] offense wasn’t necessarily a juggernaut (sixth in the AL by park-adjusted batting runs), [BLANK’S] 12-13 record was undeservedly poor. Come 2011, there’s every reason to expect a similar performance from [BLANK]. For fantasy owners, the major difference will be perception: [BLANK] entered 2010 a virtual unknown; he enters 2011 as a pitcher with a 1.71 ERA in four high-profile postseason starts.



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Steve
Member
Steve
5 years 3 months ago

CJ Wilson

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H
5 years 3 months ago

faillllllllllllllll. Pronounced like a foghorn.

Azim
Guest
Azim
5 years 3 months ago

1.Colby Lewis

2. Conquerer of Worlds

Azim
Guest
Azim
5 years 3 months ago

I’d like to change my submission to:
1. Colby Lewis

2. Conquerer of Carson’s Heart

johnnycuff
Member
johnnycuff
5 years 3 months ago

colby lewis… makin’ that cheddar

johnnycuff
Member
johnnycuff
5 years 3 months ago

or perhaps

fantasy man crush, thy name is colby lewis

Matt Trueblood
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Cold-Hearted, Cold-Cocking Colby Lewis

Josh
Guest
Josh
5 years 3 months ago

colby lewis, Centaur among Fauns

DonChrysler
Member
DonChrysler
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis

2. Bucker of bromides

Bob Loblaw
Guest
Bob Loblaw
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

“the rock against which batters break themselves”

Kipppp
Guest
Kipppp
5 years 3 months ago

The dastardly mongoose Colby Lewis

Joe P
Guest
Joe P
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis “Ascended from Mt. Fuji”

hawkinscm
Member
hawkinscm
5 years 3 months ago

Shouldn’t it be “descended?”

Telo
Guest
Telo
5 years 3 months ago

Couple pieces of advice:

A. Why not try making it slightly harder, so that the first person to open the page doesn’t get it.

and

B. Thanks for making me refresh the FG homepage for 10 minutes until I give up, then of course, you post 1 minute later.

Great game. I hope this isn’t a gimmick to get more ad refreshes.

Telo
Guest
Telo
5 years 3 months ago

Asshole comments withdrawn. Clearly I didn’t read the post… went straight to the description. Carson, you are a god among men.

GoHabsGo
Guest
GoHabsGo
5 years 3 months ago

I agree on both accounts.

GoHabsGo
Guest
GoHabsGo
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

“His cheese was the sharpest.”

Therm Here
Guest
Therm Here
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis
2. *roughly translates from Cistullian to English as “Man who Puts Out the Batter”

suicide squeeze
Member
suicide squeeze
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Chuck Norris’ only fear

Matt
Guest
Matt
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, grand viðar (bane of wood)

Kirkwood
Member
Kirkwood
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Harbinger of Hopes and Dreams. A man, standing atop a mountain, gazes in wonder at the amazement and awe of the earth around him. So, too, does man watch Colby Lewis stand atop the pitchers’ mound.

Paul
Guest
Paul
5 years 3 months ago

CJ Wilson, the Walker, Texas Ranger of the Texas Rangers

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, The Last Samurai

Dave in TX
Guest
Dave in TX
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis
2. Carson Cistulli’s Curly-Headed Boyfriend

Lee
Guest
Lee
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis.

The most interesting pitcher in the world. He doesn’t always play baseball, but when he does, he makes Barry Bonds look like Jeff Francouer.

Beau Hammel
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

Shoot — Just beat me to the whole dos equis guy concept…C’mon carson!

Brendan
Guest
Brendan
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, The October Defender of Arlington

(because he’s the only pitcher in Rangers post-season history with a home win.)

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
5 years 3 months ago

That’s amazing. I thought you had to be wrong so I went back and checked the box scores for last year. Texas won only 3 home games in the postseason (none against the Rays, 2 against the Yankees and one against the Giatns) and Carson’s man crush got the W in all three.

respo22
Guest
respo22
5 years 3 months ago

1) Colby Lewis

2) The Sony of Baseball

yceberg
Member
yceberg
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis
Once Unfulfilled of Promise

Beau Hammel
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, the most interesting man in the world.

He once gave up a bases loaded walk…just to see what if felt like.
Foul lines avoid him when he’s walking to the mound.
If was a relief pitcher Beethoven would have composed his intro music.
He is the most interesting man in the world.

He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, Colby Lewis prefers Dos Equis.

prm37
Member
prm37
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, CARP Diem

Kevin
Guest
Kevin
5 years 3 months ago

Carson’s Conquistador Colby Lewis

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, The Enola Gay. (Dropped a bomb on Japan and came home)

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H
5 years 3 months ago

too soon?

jaywrong
Member
jaywrong
5 years 3 months ago

I make Michael Jackson jokes… so no. Or I’m just a prick.

Kyle H
Member
Kyle H
5 years 3 months ago

but michael jackson didnt wipe out two cities… but its still kinda funny. maybe?

jaywrong
Member
jaywrong
5 years 3 months ago

it’s a good yo momma joke.

what a dirty word… enola.

hawkinscm
Member
hawkinscm
5 years 3 months ago

Technically, Enola Gay only wiped out 1 city. The plane that dropped “Fat Man” on Nagasaki was the “Bockscar.” Love that name.

dwightford420
Member
dwightford420
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – The Japanese Phoenix

ulyssesworkman
Member
ulyssesworkman
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, the Magistrate of America’s Loins

Mike D
Guest
Mike D
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

Cistullius Infatuationus

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Sounds like a disease. You should get that checked out…

Mike D
Guest
Mike D
5 years 3 months ago

Its Latin for “man-crush”

jaywrong
Member
jaywrong
5 years 3 months ago

1) Colby Lewis
2) Colbayashi Maru

A Texas Ranger training exercise designed to test the character of all AL batters in the search of a hit. As we all know, taking on the Colbayashi Maru is a true test of a ‘no-win’ situation.

(Note: Not only is there this bomb trek reference, but… “the name is Japanese: Kobayashi (???) means “small grove” and is a common family name; Maru (??) is a common suffix for Japanese ship names.” That’s what we call a double whammy folks.)

jaywrong
Member
jaywrong
5 years 3 months ago

source (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru)

I did not want to take credit for the translation. or those pesky question marks, which are actually Japanese script on the wiki site.

Trenchtown
Member
Trenchtown
5 years 3 months ago

It would be more impressive if everyone and their mother hadn’t beaten the Kobayashi-Maru in the Star Trek universe. At this point it is the often won, no-win situation.

jaywrong
Member
jaywrong
5 years 3 months ago

In my universe, it was only Kirk… did we watch the same show?

Matthew Nolan
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – If Ninjas are so fast, how come they couldn’t catch up to the fastball

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Lone Magi of the Mounds

matt1101
Guest
matt1101
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis
2. Damn that’s a good mustache.

jaywrong
Member
jaywrong
5 years 3 months ago

he has a mustache?

Vegemitch
Member
Vegemitch
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, the Carp-athian paragon

Richard Hernandez
Guest
Richard Hernandez
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, friend of CJ…cousin of CS.

skipperxc
Member
skipperxc
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Invader of Dreams

Jon Eisen
Guest
Jon Eisen
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Immortales Phoenix

Erik
Guest
Erik
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Toast of Texas.

Rob
Guest
Rob
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis.

He’s a bad mother-SHUT-YO-MOUTH.

Half Full
Member
Half Full
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, enlightened samurai.

ahix24
Member
ahix24
5 years 3 months ago

Conqueror of the Pacific Colby Lewis

Ben
Guest
Ben
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis.

2. Ineffable Pitcher, unless you write for FanGraphs.

dpb
Guest
dpb
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis
Learned Ninja, Kicked MLB but

Matt W
Guest
Matt W
5 years 3 months ago

The Land of the Rising Son produced Colby Lewis, Nonpareil of Nintendoland

tim in mpls
Guest
tim in mpls
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, a man, a plan, from Japan.

Scott
Member
Scott
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis
Titan of Sliders

Clark
Guest
Clark
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis
2. resplendent reaper of will

And just for fun…
unassailable assassin
pulchritudinous pugilist
batter’s bane

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

And now I’ve learned a new word today. And even as a man who uses a deeper vocabulary than he should, I’m fairly confident I will never have a use for it.

Chicago Mark
Guest
Chicago Mark
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis
2. circa 2013: Colby Lewis announces his retirement today. Lewis had one very good year after his return from Japan. Alas, he never recovered from the Tommy John surgery he needed after throwing 10 straight sliders to Alex Rodriguez in the 2011 ALCS.

Kyle
Guest
Kyle
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Curator of Cosmoses

Cookiesboy
Member
Cookiesboy
5 years 3 months ago

Gary Sheffield, Sheff was here but now he’s gone, He left his tude to carry on.

Ed
Guest
Ed
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, the hornswoggler of Hiroshima

Jason F
Guest
Jason F
5 years 3 months ago

Colby-San, Conqueror of Preconceptions

Stocktopus
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

The Last Samurai, Colby Lewis

grandbranyan
Member
grandbranyan
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, likely regression candidate.

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

that won a chuckle from me…

Scott
Member
Scott
5 years 3 months ago

This should win.

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Should at least win an honorary Second Opinion for demonstrating a strong grasp of sabermetric concepts while following the rules of the game.

Chris
Guest
Chris
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, “Breaker of Balls”

Moe
Guest
Moe
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

Winner of Fantasy; Stealer of Drafts

Adam
Guest
Adam
5 years 3 months ago

Man with no name comes from to Japan to stealthily record solid saber stats all year.

Colby Lewis, the FIP ninja.

JT
Guest
JT
5 years 3 months ago

fair bald Colby Lewis

funny on three (!) levels

Lewie Pollis
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, “Seppuku by Slider”

Dave
Guest
Dave
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

He who has become death, destroyer of worlds

Giants 162-0
Member
Giants 162-0
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

“He had two on the vine, that is two sets of testicles so divine”

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

If you were going to rip that off you could have at least used one of the better lines.

Colby Lewis – Six foot-twenty, fucking killing for fun.

or for the actual Japan tie in…

Colby Lewis – Six stories tall, made of radiation

jfischbe
Member
jfischbe
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

Like a Boss

Timmy C
Guest
Timmy C
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis-san

Timmy C
Guest
Timmy C
5 years 3 months ago

Stupid enter key… that was supposed to be:

Colby Lewis-San
What is his power level?
Over nine thousand!

Brad Johnson
Member
Member
5 years 3 months ago

You need to link to a DBZ parody for that to make sense to everyone…

DBZ has inspired some good free parodies.

Matt
Guest
Matt
5 years 3 months ago

Patcher of souls, Colby Lewis

ToddM
Guest
ToddM
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, a sprig of tolerance in a field of ignorance.

(not to hate too much on Texas, but seriously; listen to a CL interview on any local Dallas/Fort Worth radio station covering spring training. His home town of Bakersfield, CA isn’t exactly a cultural metropolis, but Colby’s pretty clearly uncomfortable responding to questions such as “So, have you gotten any congratulations from teammates back in Japan? It must be pretty cool to be kind of famous in a country that doesn’t even speak our language.”)

walkoffblast
Guest
walkoffblast
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Nectar of the Nerds

Nate
Guest
Nate
5 years 3 months ago

1. Colby Lewis

2. The Inter-Contintenal K Machine

Nate
Guest
Nate
5 years 3 months ago

The deliciously cheesy-named Colby Lewis

ahix24
Member
ahix24
5 years 3 months ago

Master and Commander Colby Lewis

Eric
Guest
Eric
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – Embodiment of Springtime Hope

Ad
Guest
Ad
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Dragonball Z-Swing%.

Albert Lyu
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Awesome

Hoelker
Guest
Hoelker
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, the best pitcher in Texas to have the initials CL

adohaj
Guest
adohaj
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis the only player who supplements his income by selling coke to his boss.

hawkinscm
Member
hawkinscm
5 years 3 months ago

Haha!

chuckb
Guest
chuckb
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

Wonderboy!

jthomas
Guest
jthomas
5 years 3 months ago

Pi no moto no Colby Lewis.

A “makurakotoba” meaning “source of sun.”

rlintott
Member
rlintott
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis: Cistern of Cistullian Love

Peter Gentleman
Guest
Peter Gentleman
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – Women want him. Men, they also want him.

Bomber
Guest
Bomber
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – Lord of Cistullia (also owns Bradenia)

Wizard of Woz
Guest
Wizard of Woz
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, samuiai to save us all

Frent
Guest
Frent
5 years 3 months ago

Antiscorbutic Colby Lewis.

hollenbeezy
Member
hollenbeezy
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – Bakersfield Banzai

TexasRanger
Guest
TexasRanger
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis
He’ll strike out your best hitter
steal your girlfriend
and write you a consoling sonnet to make it all better

johnnycuff
Member
johnnycuff
5 years 3 months ago

one more just for fun.

colby lewis: he who must not be overlooked on draft day

ahix24
Member
ahix24
5 years 3 months ago

Prodigal Rising Sun Colby Lewis

Trenchtown
Member
Trenchtown
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, most likely a brainwashed Nipponian Candidate sent from Japan as a precursor to their eventual invasion of the United States.

Step One: Take flame-out prospect back from the dead to pitch successfully
Step Two: ???????
Step Three: World Domination

ryguy
Guest
ryguy
5 years 3 months ago

1) colby lewis
2) Domi arigato, Mr. Colbyboto

Joey B
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis: Key Holder of Cistullian Druthers

Clayton H
Guest
Clayton H
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis: Made in America, Perfected in Japan.

Andy
Guest
Andy
5 years 3 months ago

What, he’s an automobile?

Darkstar
Member
Darkstar
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis
LoneStar Slider of the East

Azmanz
Member
Azmanz
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Too bad the Giants won the World Series, or Carson’s head would have exploded when he won WS MVP.

dustygator
Guest
dustygator
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

Pitched better than Cliff Lee in the World Series

Scott
Guest
Scott
5 years 3 months ago

Colby “where’s the Kobe Beef?” Lewis

CooperNB
Member
CooperNB
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Messiah of Mothers’ Basement Dwellers…

nolan
Guest
nolan
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Destroyer of Pennant Hopes

Ed
Guest
Ed
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, he’s big in Japan

Jim Lahey
Guest
Jim Lahey
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis – The Lone Ranger
King Lewis
C-Lew (Maybe he likes playing clue?)

Ott
Guest
Ott
5 years 3 months ago

Far-ranging Colby Lewis.

Colby Lewis, breaker of Yankees.

Dare I say it? Ox-eyed Colby Lewis.

tim
Guest
tim
5 years 3 months ago

Colby “MY NAME IS COLBY!” Lewis.

Therm Here
Guest
Therm Here
5 years 3 months ago

Colby P. Lewis
Step One: Put him on the mound
Then, Step Four: Profit.

Dan
Member
Dan
5 years 3 months ago

Reverend Colby Lewis

“A Colby Lewis among Men”

Those were always my two favorite and still make me laugh.

Billy Butler's Rodeo Clown
Guest
Billy Butler's Rodeo Clown
5 years 3 months ago

When will the Second Opinion be available? I ache.

Alex Remington
Member
5 years 3 months ago

The Ineffable Colby Lewis, Carson Cistulli’s Peripatetic Paramour.

Screwball Pammy
Member
Screwball Pammy
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, purveyor of filth

hunterfan
Guest
hunterfan
5 years 3 months ago

Greater than Thunor,
Greater than Woden
Who for our entertainment
Came back from Japan
To you we give thanks
Great Colby Lewis.

BlackYoshi
Guest
BlackYoshi
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis

Epitaph? Colbyashi

Houston Native
Guest
Houston Native
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, shaver of testicles.

jordan
Guest
jordan
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, baller of destiny

Newcomer
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Colby Lewis, Master of the Noble Art of Pitching.

Colby Lewis, Master of the Noble Art of Pitching, is naturally left-handed, and only started throwing right-handed when the bullpen catcher had to replace his mitt between pitches. Every pitch.

If it weren’t for the balk/spitball rules, Colby Lewis, Master of the Noble Art of Pitching, would be above-replacement neither-handed, throwing with his mouth.

Colby Lewis, Master of the Noble Art of Pitching, will switch back to left-handed to record the final strike of the World Series.

Colby Lewis, Master of the Noble Art of Pitching, will pitch for his own team in the World Baseball Classic. And win.

(and I know this doesn’t count.)

Newcomer
Member
5 years 3 months ago

Albert Pujols is seeking the highest-valued contract he can get. This is commonly assumed to be in the neighborhood of $300 million. But he’ll accept league minimum pay for the locker next to Colby Lewis.

Newcomer
Member
5 years 3 months ago

There is a rational explanation for “the year of the pitcher.” Colby Lewis arrived. Those batters he did not mow down personally (and they are few) were quaking in their boots with fear for playing in the same league as an immortal.

Okay, I’m done.

kick me in the GO NATS
Guest
kick me in the GO NATS
5 years 3 months ago

I know I am late, but:

Colby Lewis, he who throws zeros

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