Kicking Rocks: Roster Cuts and Other Fantasy Douchings

The night before Opening Day makes me feel like an 8 year old kid on Christmas Eve, staring at a mountain of presents sitting under the tree waiting to be torn into the next morning.  That one’s definitely an Xbox, those are the video games, and somewhere in that pile is definitely a new baseball glove.  Then morning comes and with unbridled excitement I rush to the pile and start ripping paper with a fury like no other.    Socks and underwear?  A sweater?  These aren’t video games, they’re books.  And who the hell gives an 8 year old a stationery set and thank you cards?  I got rolled on Christmas morning!!

Well, that’s what’s going on now for many of us as we look over our rosters that we were absolutely gushing over as recently as last week.  Suddenly you see a bunch of red crosses next to the names, platoon situations are being discussed, and statuses are being changed from “active” to “minors”.  I know that Opening Day is supposed to be a day filled with excitement and fresh starts, but now it just feels like the fantasy gods have come down and kicked me in the groin….twice.  Here’s what I’m bitching about:

F*** you, Russell Branyan!  You screwed me as a late off season signing with Cleveland last year — Michael Brantley was a late round sleeper of mine until you came in and pushed Matt LaPorta to the outfield — and now you screwed me again coming into Arizona.  Brandon Allen has nothing left to prove in the minors and should have been splitting time between first base and left field for the Diamondbacks, but instead he heads back to Reno while you screw Juan Miranda out of any potential value as well.  I thought about wasting a waiver claim on you, but decided that you and your .240 average can suck it.

OK, Jose Lopez I get.  Good power potential in Colorado, relatively versatile in the infield, and the Rox are looking to showcase him a little to see if they can work out a trade.  But Jonathan Herrera?!?  Big deal, he’s having a good spring.  The guy is fine for OBP, but offers almost nothing else.  He’s got no power, little or no speed and probably won’t hit any higher than .260.  Yeah, he hit .284 last year, but that was with a very favorable .330 BABIP.  Bring me back Eric Young for crying out loud.  For a guy who was still getting over a fractured leg, he was still having a solid spring, hitting .318 with a .348 OBP.  He’s got fantastic stolen base potential and just needs the opportunity to play and get comfortable.  Now he’s mid-season waiver fodder, at best.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?  Well vice freakin’ versa.  All you people out there excited about Brandon Belt making the Giants out of camp can…well…you know.  All of us Aubrey Huff owners now get to spend the first part of the season riddled with anxiety that his hamstrings are going to give out as he chases after a a bunch of gappers to right.  And what happens when Cody Ross comes back?  I know they say Huff will play regularly, but something tells me he’s going to start losing some ABs when Bruce Bochy starts trying to keep his legs fresh.  Great.

How about Max Scherzer’s 12 earned runs in 2.1 innings for his final spring start?  Normally I wouldn’t be too concerned since it’s the spring, but Scherzer himself said that he was having trouble with his mechanics and needed to make some adjustments.  That’s fine if it were early in March and he had time to tweak his delivery, but it’s the end here and if this guy starts of the season this year like he did in April and May of 2010, I’m gonna tear my hair out!

Brad Lidge’s shoulder?  Brian Wilson’s oblique?  Stephen Drew’s abdominal strain?  Mike Minor’s demotion?  Brutal.  Just brutal.

Like I said, Opening Day is supposed to be a day of joy and happiness, but it looks like I might need the assistance of Dr. Jack Daniels to help get me through some of this crap.

Whatcha got for me…?  The doctor is in.

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Howard Bender has been covering fantasy sports for over 10 years on a variety of websites. In addition to his work here, you can also find him at his site,, Fantasy Alarm, RotoWire and Mock Draft Central. Follow him on Twitter at @rotobuzzguy or for more direct questions or comments, email him at

19 Responses to “Kicking Rocks: Roster Cuts and Other Fantasy Douchings”

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  1. Travis says:

    Is this Fangraphs or

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    • Thad says:

      Seriously. Fantasy Douchings? Really, Fangraphs?

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      • Kris says:

        Seriously, exhale.

        I think every publication needs at least one drunk guy at the party column. All the major papers have their sex columns or life columns pertaining to idiotic crap. Instead of writing countless letters to the editor, just sit back and exhale.

        When something doesn’t make sense, you can either lambaste the organization or admit that the unexplainable is indeed inexplicable and simply lace your sentiments with childish puns, cussing, and audio clips of Ron Paul explaining foreign policy.

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      • Howard Bender says:

        Did Kris just call me “the drunk guy”?

        Just to be clear about the column this year, it will not just serve as a bitch-fest to air your frustrations. Sure, that will be a part of it, but I would also like to sit and discuss/lament over strategies that have failed, wasted free agent pickups, etc. However, we’re just two days into the season right now, so how can I tell if a strategy of mine has actually failed? Gotta give it some time. In the meanwhile, let’s have a little fun here. We beat ourselves over the heads with stats regularly…even the most astute minds of the world need a breather.

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      • Kris says:

        Dave Barry has made a fine living and earned a couple Pulitzers by writing Drunk Guy At The Party columns. I think as long as you keep it upbeat and funny, it’ll be a blast.

        I think there should be more articles dedicated to getting bent-over by statistical anomalies. There’s almost no way to predict ‘em. There’s nothing you can do about ‘em.

        Some old-fashioned bitching is the only way to cope.

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  2. ridley25 says:

    The Allen thing killed me because I had to protect him in a keeper league. Nothing like using up money (albeit not much) and a roster spot on a guy that MIGHT hit 25 HR for a few years.

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  3. Freddy T says:

    The start of Scherzer’s season has me worried too. He ruined my ratios at the start of last season and I ended up dropping him in late May. My waiver priority wasn’t good enough to get him back when he turned things around so I watched someone else reap the benefits. Reluctantly I went back to the well again this year. Hope its nothing major.

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  4. Ben says:

    Lost Latos and Hart. Latos was my mistake in drafting though.

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  5. Adam says:

    Stinky Greinke and his fractured ribs. You never want to start the season with your ace on the DL!

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  6. Nick Tenaglia says:

    Late 2010 & Offseason Transactions:
    -Traded for Dom Brown — On DL
    -Traded for Moustakas — Begin season in minors
    -Traded for Corey Hart — On DL
    -Designated Franklin Gutierrez as a Keeper — On DL
    -Designated Mauricio Robles as a Minor League Keeper — On DL
    -Traded for Brandon Allen — in minors
    -Designated Kyle Blanks as Keeper — On DL
    -Traded away Gordon Beckham

    wow, rough start to the season so far and it has barely begun!

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  7. syoung says:

    I love this! A full-throated self-pitying, spleen-busting bitch-rant on Fangraphs. We get day after day and column after column of Super-ego material (not complaining!) A little Id ain’t gonna hurt us. Just as long as it doesn’t spill over to other columns and posts. My kicking rock: Nyjler Morgan. I should have known the head-case would end up riding the bench in Milwaukee – the same team that prevented Alcides Escobar from stealing bases for nearly two years.

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  8. Aaron says:

    Crummy trade offers already rolling in. His Dexter Fowler and Ryan Franklin for my Juan Pierre and Joel Hanrahan.

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  9. Sandlot Scrub says:

    Actually it”s refreshing to see a well thought out ant every once in a while. Way to let it go Howard! I am a victim of Branyan also what with Allen being sent down. I designated him a keeper this year figuring he would see action in the OF at least. And I took a chance on Yunesky Maya…long shot, I know…who’s now in the minors. The one that hurt the mos: Brandon’s Morrow’s injury. Every indication is he will miss just one start, but….
    I’ve had worst starts with injuries though. Really feeling Nick’s roster pain…rough start!

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  10. Sandlot Scrub says:

    Did I say well thought out ant?! Sorry for the typo…meant RANT!

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  11. Justin Merry says:

    Last year at this time, I was freaking out because Jack Cust had just been cut and I owned him in both of my leagues. Ended up replacing him with Vladimir Guerrero in one league, and trading for Magglio Ordonez in another. It was ok, but was not a good way to start the season.

    The worst thing I have going right now (knock on wood) is a rash of injuries on my ottoneu team: stephen drew, corey hart, joel pineiro, frank francisco, ian stewart…fortunately, all seem to be relatively minor deals, and hopefully I’ll be full strength in a few weeks.

    That, and Sean Rodriguez might not be getting the PT I’d hoped for in Tampa. I hate it when my players don’t play…really hard to be patient, especially when I’m already waiting on Jed Lowrie.

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    • Howard Bender says:

      Ottoneu? Sounds like an Otto-no-no with that squad. Call the paramedics!

      Getting hit with the S-Rod stuff again too. Didn’t learn my lesson from last year.

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  12. Dale says:

    “Crummy trade offers already rolling in. His Dexter Fowler and Ryan Franklin for my Juan Pierre and Joel Hanrahan.”

    Frank Francisco + Mat Latos for ARod…
    Ryan Dempster + Carlos Lee for ARod…

    -F.Francisco was on the DL while he offered the trade to me
    -he dropped Carlos Lee after my rejection.

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