I’m in 6 different leagues this year and every league has a different set of rules, rosters, waiver restrictions, etc. But the one common thread that ties and binds all things fantasy here is the moronic trade offers that get thrown around at this time of year. Forget about sample size and statistical history. Apparently those mean nothing to the trade hungry vultures just waiting to swoop down and pick off the carcass of stupidity.
Now for some people, it’s hard to fault them. They’re new to fantasy and they just don’t know any better. How are they to know that Howie Kendrick has already blown his load on power for the month and is two weeks away from spraining his labia? Research and common sense? Sure, that would be nice, but you can wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which one fills up first. Even in some of the most competitive leagues, you somehow end up with that one guy who begged his way in because he wanted to feel like he was part of the group and doesn’t know squat about fantasy baseball or statistics.
But what really steams my clams are the guys who do know better; the ones that have played with you for years and still try to sell you a on a dog that won’t hunt. They’re the ones, right now, that are trying to pass off Willie Bloomquist as the next Ricky Henderson, Jeff Francoeur as the next Vladimir Guerrero (circa 2001), and Sean Burnett as the next Mariano Rivera. They’ve known you for years, know your level of knowledge, and yet still try to pass of their garbage for your slow starting studs. It’s annoying, it’s insulting, and it’s not even worth your time to jump into a negotiation. You sit and stare at your computer screen, dumbfounded. In complete disgust, you long to have those 30 seconds of your life back that it took for you to read the email and process the sheer stupidity.
I’m sure I’ll get a few scathing emails for this, but I’ve got to share some of them with you. Believe it or not, there are several that I could list here but I’ll just give you a few that fall under the “I want to hit you in the face with a rock that has this trade offer tied around it” category.
1. 12 team, mixed, 5×5 roto, standard categories
Trade Comment: I can give you Pat Burrell instead of Gomez if you want more power instead of speed.
This one came to me the day Pena hurt his thumb. The guy who sent it said he had no idea of the injury, but the time stamp on the email tells a different story. I mean, do I even have to break this one down for you as to why I respectfully declined? My personal favorite was when he so generously offered up Burrell, the human out, as a replacement for Gomez.
2. 10 team NL only, head to head, 6×6 (OBP instead of AVG; add K for hitters and HRA for pitchers)
Trade comment: You look like you could use some more SP depth.
I’ll give it to him that perhaps I could an extra starter. But the fact that it’s head to head, I went heavy on relievers and used my 2 bench spots for offense. My other starters are Jaime Garcia and Jhoulys Chacin, so I feel pretty confident that I don’t need to add 2 guys that gave up a combined 52 HR last year. I won’t even discuss the catcher inclusion.
3. 15 team mixed, keeper league, 5×5 roto, standard categories
Trade comment: Longo is bona fide keeper, Bruce never protected, Sandoval borderline and you never keep SPs.
Less than a week into the season and he offers me Longoria in a dump trade? Jeez, does my team look that bad? I especially love the part when he devalues Gallardo because I don’t like to protect starting pitching.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Look, I totally get that it’s the start of the season and you’re excited to trade, but really? You gotta do better than that. Start using your head. That’s the lump that’s three feet above your ass.
Got some of your own? Let’s put ’em up on the stupidity scale and see how they weigh in…
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