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Kicking Rocks: The Significant Other

Posted By Howard Bender On January 26, 2012 @ 11:15 am In Uncategorized | 12 Comments

How many times have we heard this before…?

“It’s just a stupid game.”

“I always thought I’d end up with someone who played sports, not watched them on their computer.”

“What do you mean you can’t come to my sister’s rehearsal dinner because you have a draft?”

As the fantasy baseball season rapidly approaches, it’s time to start doing your prep work.  I’m not talking about your keeper lists or your depth charts.  I’m not talking about your draft strategy.  This is much more pressing for your ultimate peace of mind.  I’m talking about getting your significant other properly prepared for a six month long anti-love fest.

Now first off, if you’re single, then you should file this article away and refer back once you’ve found companionship.  If you’re a woman, then may you swim in a sea of a million props, because reading FanGraphs for your baseball info throws you countless cool points in life.  If you are a member of the gay community, then please just adjust the pronouns here and try to have some fun.

Nothing ruins a fantasy season more than when problems arise in a relationship due to your obsession with attentiveness to the game.  We all know the amount of time we need to allocate to our leagues in order to achieve success.  It is a day-in, day-out grind where missing even one day’s worth of news can be costly.  The trick is to help your significant other understand it as well.

Truth be told, they’ll never understand — not unless they learn to play the game as well or have some other hobby that requires such intense, daily attention.  Maybe suggest some sort of fantasy Us Weekly/People Magazine game where her and her friends can draft celebrities and acquire points based on who’s in rehab or who adopts a kid or who “rocked” an outfit best.  But until she finds something as time consuming as fantasy baseball, you’re going to have to make it up to her in other ways.

So what to do in order to achieve some sort of harmony in your relationship in spite of the fact that you’re going to shut her out for the next six months….?

It’s time now to go overboard on the attention.  Not so overboard that her first thought is that you’re doing it out of guilt for cheating, but just enough that you can turn around and show her all of the wonderfully sweet things you did during the offseason that should allow you certain quality “me-time” once spring training begins.

It’s time to take her out to dinner to that restaurant she’s always wanted to go.

It’s time to say, “Sure, honey.  I’d love to go out with you after work and meet some of your friends.”

It’s time to get your ass over to Bath & Body Works, buy some peppermint foot lotion and, without provocation, say, “Sweetie, why don’t you put your feet up her in my lap and let me rub them while we watch whatever you want on TV.”

It’s time to Netflix The Notebook, Notting Hill or whatever chick-flick she loves to watch and have a good cry over.

It’s time to cook her dinner.

It’s time to do the dishes without being told.

It’s time to do your own laundry.

It’s time to come home from work, ask her how her day was and actually listen to what she has to say.

It’s time to invite her to atleast one game this season.  She might bail on you closer to game time, but you still made the offer.

It’s time to do atleast one or two of the projects around the house that she’s been nagging about and you’ve been avoiding.

It doesn’t matter if Valentine’s Day is a stupid Hallmark holiday designed to support the greeting card and floral businesses of the world.  You better blow it out like it’s the biggest day of the year.

It’s time to forget about you and have it be all about her.  Pay her as much mind as you possibly can right now and make her feel like the most special girl in the world.

You’d be surprised how far this gets you.  Not only will you probably see more action in the bedroom, but while she’s going on and on to her friends about what a great guy you are, you’ll have plenty of time to yourself over the next six months to immerse yourself in as much fantasy baseball as you need.

And if you really want to score some points, then abstain from the useless All Star break festivities and repeat atleast two of the above suggestions over the three days off from the game.

Oh yeah, and last but not least…if you plan on being with this person for the rest of your life…if she’s your Bryce Harper for $1 with no contract limits, then you might consider starting this process earlier in the offseason.

Just sayin’…

 

 


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