20 Things You Didn’t Know About Carlos Correa

17-year-old shortstop Carlos Correa has made history by being the first Puerto Rican player selected first in the MLB draft when he was selected yesterday by my Houston Astros. Here’s 20 things you may not have realized about him:

20. He had a 4.0 grade point average in high school and was the valedictorian of the Puerto Rico Baseball Academy.
19. After passing on Derek Jeter the last time they had the first pick, the Astros chose Correa this year.
18. Once he enters the Major Leagues, Correa is planning to eat a freshly-retired Derek Jeter in a completely consensual on-field ritual in order to consume and inherit his luck and perpetual youthfulness.
17. Correa’s favorite movie of all time is ‘Tiptoes‘ starring Matthew McConaughey as a regular sized man born into a dwarf family who hasn’t told his bride to be the family secret.
16. ‘Tiptoes’ also stars Peter Dinklage, Kate Beckinsale, and Gary Oldman. Kate Beckinsale plays the fiance, who becomes pregnant and is afraid her baby will inherit the family dwarfism. She also finds herself falling for Gary Oldman’s dwarf character, Rolfe.
15. Correa is a raw food enthusiast who primarily survives on a diet of fresh air, leafy greens, and the uncooked hearts of freshly slaughtered song birds.
14. He has idolized Roberto Alomar since he was in grade school.
13. He also idolizes Jack from ‘Lost’, Chan Marshall, and Neil Degrasse Tyson.
12. Although there has been talk about him moving to third base, Carlos wants to stay at shortstop.
11. This was inspired primarily by “The Art of Fielding” and his desire, as he said on draft day, to evoke “Skrimshander, without the yips.”
10. Much to the delight of baseball aesthetes everywhere, Correa wears his socks pulled up, stirrups, and a modest application of lip gloss and concealer.
9. Carlos doesn’t always drink, but when he does, he drinks Dogfish Head Raison D’Etre.
8. His father is also named Carlos.
7. Every time he’s ever made a mix tape, he puts the Randy Newman song ‘Marie’ on it, like a signature.
6. Kurt Cobain died before he was born, and he’s never existed in a world without ‘Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)’.
5. He has a tattoo of Guy Fieri on his leg.
4. Correa has a Pinterest profile where he focuses primarily on antique baseball memorabilia, thinspiration pictures for staying on his raw food diet, and pictures of cats wearing tiny hats.
3. The Astros had not decided on Correa until just an hour before the draft.
2. He plans to spend his signing bonus on helping his family and this hamburger bed.
1. Correa’s stated goal is to be a “baseball player, a hall-of-famer, and atop the NERD leaderboard in my rookie year.”

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Summer Anne Burton is a writer and illustrator living in Austin, Texas. She is drawing pictures of Every Hall of Famer.

9 Responses to “20 Things You Didn’t Know About Carlos Correa”

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  1. chiefglockandhummer says:

    i love telling people slightly older than me that i don’t remember kurt cobain dying. i’m twenty-five.

    also, the price $19.96 comes up a lot at my job, and while i’m working the register i enjoy saying to boomers: “oh! the year i was born!”

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    • Choo says:

      And the glorious cashier, heart in fist, squeezes the organ dry. “Ha ha! Mortality looms, old man! Mortality looooooms. I’ll be here pushing the buttons and handling the coins while you deal with that. Have a nice day.”

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    • Greg W says:

      By my math, you are 15.

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  2. TheGrandslamwich says:

    I heard that the last time Carlos Correawas in New York he went out at night with a wig on in hopes of scoring a Derek Jeter gift basket, but he failed in his quest.

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  3. tbad says:

    This was funny, and I enjoyed it. That said, thinspiration is absolutely horrible. Don’t think you shouldn’t have written it, but I don’t know how well it fit in with the tone of this.

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  4. oldschoolways says:

    Oh how I wish the cats wearing tiny hats bit was true. And we should all be so lucky to only exist in a world with Enter The Wu-Tang: The 36 Chambers.

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  5. Resolution says:

    I wish I had a big signing bonus and/or a hamburger bed :-(

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  6. Big Jgke says:

    If you attend The Puerto Rico Baseball Academy and are drafted 1-1 in the MLB draft, and AREN’T chosen as your school valedictorian there is something entirely wrong with either you or your school.

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  7. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    Does this mark the second time these illustrious pages have seen someone’s face tattooed on a leg? I can remember Bobby Cox, but can’t recall if that spurred a run previously or not.

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