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3D MLB: THE MOVIE, or, Futuristic Delights of Tomorrowyear

Perhaps to the excruciation of NotGraphs readers, I’ve been slowly building a provisional cast for MLB: The Movie, a comprehensive movie about Major League Baseball that will cost at least $300billion to make and will never get made. Ten to twenty years after never, the film will be re-released with tacked-on yet comprehensive 3D effects (AKA Baseballschei├če und 3D, working title, Germany).

Since this will be infinitely in the future, we can assume that all manner of technologies will be available to us. Thus, the “3D experience” will really be much more than 3D — it will be a complete sensory immersion.

Here are some things that you can expect to appear/happen in the 3D MLB: The Movie experience:

*An infinitely spinning Joe West, who will be implanted in the corner of your mind for all time by nano-bots that enter your body via your dong or lady dong.

*Patented nerve stimulation that simulates the Pains of the Game™, including the second half of Ken Griffey, Jr.’s career (mostly deep pangs of sadness), Mordecai Brown’s lost finger, Honus Wagner’s black lung, Buster Posey’s broken leg, Jason Kendall’s foot falling off, being murdered by Ty Cobb, and receiving a Derek Jeter Gift Basket.

*The same technology will also allow viewers to feel what it was like to waddle to first base under the sad girth of an aging Babe Ruth or to throw a 93-MPH fastball with CC Sabathia’s gut orbiting around their midsections.

*The distinct sadness of Milwaukee Brewers or Seattle Mariners fans, having never won a World Series in a million years of MLB. (Remember, this is infinitely in the future.) This is mostly presented through flavor: stale beer and sour milk are simultaneously injected into the viewers’ tongues and, if they paid for the upgrade, kidneys.

*Various and sundry unique odors, not limited to but certainly dominated by those of John Kruk. Viewers will watch Kruk emerge from the womb, grow into an accomplished non-athlete, and eat ribs on live television as a retiree before perishing in an unremarkable fashion. This is an idea borrowed from The Truman Show: during the span of the film that coincides with Kruk’s existence, there will be a vigilant picture-in-picture detailing his life.

*Impregnation by Chipper Jones. (Of-age, fertile-wombed, consenting viewers only.)

*Numerous other patented simulation technologies including Being Darryl Strawberry™; Tim McCarver’s Brain™; Posthumous Decapitation, Criofreeze, & Resurrection w/ Ted Williams™ (replacement of viewer’s body with actual robot body costs extra); et cetera.

I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait for ten years after never!