A Dozen Facts I Couldn’t Verify Without Wikipedia

Dear friends,

I’m sorry.  Today, I wanted to write an article about that sport we all love.  No, not professional jai alai.  That’s much purer at the amateur level, where gamblers have only managed to corrupt and fix half of the matches.  I’m speaking, of course, about baseball.  It was going to be a great NotGraphs post, full of obscure references to 18th century British architecture, 19th century German philosophy, great 20th century mustaches, and of course, Dick Allen.

Alas, my go-to (okay, lets face it, my one and only) source for research, Wikipedia, was blanked out all day yesterday when I wanted to be preparing for this post.  It was a total bummer.  There was something about Congress taking away my ability to ever use the Internet again….Meh, it was probably nothing.

Anyway, since I have no way of confirming the following information, here are some important facts that might be true that I can’t verify:

1) Orlando Cabrera, who needs baseball when you’re the love child of Orlando Bloom and Ryan Cabrera?

2) Jamie Moyer is so old… (HOW OLD IS HE?)  Jamie Moyer is so old that lefthanders were officially illegal until his 3rd Major League season.

3) Prince Fielder is not, I repeat NOT, actual royalty. Shame on you, Prince. False advertising.  And to think I sent you a wedding present last year.

4) You Dervish is hardly going to be worth his almost $20 million salary.

5) Tim Tebow is now retired, according to former ’80s hearthrob Andrew McCarthy.

6) Jeff Bagwell totally tested positive for Performance Enhancing Drugs. Everyone says so.

7) Adam Jones is an imperfect clone of Andruw Jones.  Kind of like Bizarro.

8) Kim Ng is not a real person.  She is a plot device trotted out by baseball writers every time there is a GM opening.

9) Caddyshack is the greatest baseball movie of all time, and that Rodney Dangerfield is aces in my book.  “You’ll get nothing and like it,” indeed!

10) Good for Joe Saunders.  Way to take advantage of being a free agent!  Six million dollars for just one measly year?  That’s way more than I make!

11) Jack Cust is playing designated hitter for the Astros next year.

12) Mike Napoli, if Mike Scioscia says you can’t catch, you can’t catch.  Just hang ’em up, buddy.




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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


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Bradley Woodrum
Member
Member
4 years 5 months ago

Legend says that in those first three seasons, Moyer had to punt the ball across the plate, thus earning the nickname: “useless.”

Anon
Guest
Anon
4 years 5 months ago

You could avoid the Wiki blackout with very little effort.

Wiki mobile site was not blacked out.

Wiki regular site loaded normally by disableing JavaScript, which is easily done with NoScript addon for Firefox.

Any Wiki page could be viewed from the cached search results on Google.

The Common Man
Guest
4 years 5 months ago

Yes, but then how would I make my jokes, Mr. Smarty-Pants?

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
4 years 5 months ago
juan pierres mustache
Guest
juan pierres mustache
4 years 5 months ago

“Jokes are typically for the entertainment of friends and onlookers. The desired response is generally laughter; when this does not happen the joke is said to have “fallen flat” or “bombed”. “

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042
4 years 5 months ago

or, even easier, just go to the wikipedia page, and then hit the stop button after it loads your page but before it redirects to the blacked out page. very easy.

Greg W
Guest
Greg W
4 years 5 months ago

New around here?

St Louis Cardinals
Guest
St Louis Cardinals
4 years 5 months ago

Why would he be new to this site just because he was offering a suggestion. A suggestion that, may I add, is a legitimate and useful one. I would suggest, sir, that you may or may not be new to this site based on your lack of what the comments section of serious, hardcore baseball site is about. Furthermore, that comment was not a sentence, which makes your point sound not very serious.

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