I’m sorry. Today, I wanted to write an article about that sport we all love. No, not professional jai alai. That’s much purer at the amateur level, where gamblers have only managed to corrupt and fix half of the matches. I’m speaking, of course, about baseball. It was going to be a great NotGraphs post, full of obscure references to 18th century British architecture, 19th century German philosophy, great 20th century mustaches, and of course, Dick Allen.
Alas, my go-to (okay, lets face it, my one and only) source for research, Wikipedia, was blanked out all day yesterday when I wanted to be preparing for this post. It was a total bummer. There was something about Congress taking away my ability to ever use the Internet again….Meh, it was probably nothing.
Anyway, since I have no way of confirming the following information, here are some important facts that might be true that I can’t verify:
1) Orlando Cabrera, who needs baseball when you’re the love child of Orlando Bloom and Ryan Cabrera?
2) Jamie Moyer is so old… (HOW OLD IS HE?) Jamie Moyer is so old that lefthanders were officially illegal until his 3rd Major League season.
3) Prince Fielder is not, I repeat NOT, actual royalty. Shame on you, Prince. False advertising. And to think I sent you a wedding present last year.
4) You Dervish is hardly going to be worth his almost $20 million salary.
5) Tim Tebow is now retired, according to former ’80s hearthrob Andrew McCarthy.
6) Jeff Bagwell totally tested positive for Performance Enhancing Drugs. Everyone says so.
7) Adam Jones is an imperfect clone of Andruw Jones. Kind of like Bizarro.
8) Kim Ng is not a real person. She is a plot device trotted out by baseball writers every time there is a GM opening.
9) Caddyshack is the greatest baseball movie of all time, and that Rodney Dangerfield is aces in my book. “You’ll get nothing and like it,” indeed!
10) Good for Joe Saunders. Way to take advantage of being a free agent! Six million dollars for just one measly year? That’s way more than I make!
11) Jack Cust is playing designated hitter for the Astros next year.
12) Mike Napoli, if Mike Scioscia says you can’t catch, you can’t catch. Just hang ’em up, buddy.