A Five-Year-Old’s Scouting Report of Her Own Self


On the occasion of the latter’s fifth birthday, the author’s wife spoke with our niece this past weekend. Among the topics of conversation: that same niece’s capacities as a wiffleball player. Whether she has a future at the highest level of the sport remains unclear. If scouting reports courtesy of her own self are accurate, however, the bat will almost certainly play, regardless of position.

As evidence, I point to the following excerpt from the aforementioned conversation:

I can hit the ball so far.

How far?

Ten seconds.

Ten seconds?!?

No. I mean, a hundred seconds.

The niece in question did not go on to say — but would likely confirm if asked — that her fastball is 17 feet tall and she’s currently hitting about a thousand pounds.

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17 Responses to “A Five-Year-Old’s Scouting Report of Her Own Self”

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  1. Kevin says:

    Sure, but to 1st base she’s 143ft! Her only hope is a three true outcomes type of career

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  2. Tom Hanks says:

    And people say women can’t play baseball. Pfft. Those naysayers must be 45 leagues old or something!

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  3. Fredward says:

    Back in the old days some pals and myself began a 2 on 2 wiffle ball league. Christ it was fun! We had some flood lights hanging off the back porch it was quite a scene. There was only one broad that came around “big Jess”. She lived across the street and wasn’t much to look at but she would give some great blowies down in the forest just beyond the yard. Maybe the other broads were offended by the name Massengill Field, maybe we are just idiots, who knows, but I do miss the game…

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  4. MikeS says:

    But how many parsecs does it take her to do the Kessel Run?

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  5. Anon says:

    I interpret it as saying she can hit the ball 1272 feet 9 and 3/4 inches, assuming she is playing on a standard baseball diamond. This is 10 times the distance from home to second, or put more simply, ten seconds. Therefore, she grades about a 5000 on the 20 to 80 scale for power.

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    • Anon says:

      Of course, if she can actually hit 100 seconds, that would be 10 times even further than that, which is quite outstanding.

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      • a eskpert says:

        Depending on the Latitude, it could be up to ~111 km, or 10 longitudinal seconds. Which grades out to about eleventy mrillion on the 20 to 80 scouting scale. At such a speed though, the baseball might be set alight by the heat of the air friction.

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    • Jay29 says:

      Or she could mean that she doesn’t measure by distance because it’s a pain to have to walk it all off. So she instead counts how long the ball is in flight.

      Someone who remembers their high school physics better than I do can figure out how far a struck wiffle ball can travel in 100s.

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  6. Don Zimmer's jowl sweat says:

    This easily could have been a conversation with Rickey Henderson.

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  7. Mr Punch says:

    Actually put me in mind of Cliff Johnson, whose fly balls brought the concept of “hang time” to baseball.

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  8. Oh, Beepy says:

    Make her a writer.

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