A Half Dozen Baseball Movies Probably Better than Fever Pitch

the-movies

Unquestionable authority on all things related to the American cinema, IMDB.com, took advantage of the opening of 42 to name what it thinks are the 10 greatest baseball movies of all time. Or at least what managing editor Keith Simanton thought qualified as the best baseball movies. One of those movies is Fever Pitch, in which Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruin the 2004 World Series by running onto the field and celebrating with the players (I assume that’s the plot, having refused to see it on principle). He also elevates Bernie Mac’s Mr 3000 and Ken Burns’ Baseball (which is not a movie, but a miniseries). About the only good thing about the list is that Simanton apparently realizes that Major League is so good it doesn’t even qualify as a baseball movie, having transcended the genre and elevated itself to become cinematic masterpiece that defies definition and label. At least that’s what I assume happened, since it’s not included on the list at all; or maybe Simanton simply hates Bob Uecker and freedom.

Anyway, in honor of Simanton’s terrible list, here are the baseball movies I want to see get made that would all presumably be better choices than Fever Pitch:

Matt Christopher’s beloved tale of a misfit whose teammates hate him and the creepy ghost of Babe Ruth, who likes to hang out alone with Junior High kids apparently, comes to life, as the Babe teaches young Sylvester Coddmeyer III that the only way he can be loved and accepted is to hit a home run in every single at bat, lest he lose the respect of his teammates and everyone he loves. Michael Cera and Jim Belushi star in The Kid Who Only Hit Homers.

For years, he and his kind had been kept out of baseball. They had been shunned and mocked. They had been spat upon and bullied. Then one man stood up and said “enough is enough,” broke the submarine line, and led a submarine pitching revolution whose effects are still being felt around the game.  Adam Scott is Dan Quisenberry in Pop Quiz.

Elijah Dukes is on the loose, kidnapping Rays outfielders and only one man can stop him, his former teammate, Rocco Baldelli. Baldelli was forced out of the game by channeleopathy, but if Dukes is to be stopped before he claims his final victim (Ben Zobrist), Baldelli will have to reenter the shadowy underworld of Tampa and St. Petersburg he left behind and swore he’d never return to.  Mekhi Phifer and Edward Norton star in Catcher of the Rays.

He’s a hotshot rookie with something to prove. He’s a grizzled veteran who doesn’t have time for showboating. They’re like oil and water, but Jose Iglesias and Dustin Pedroia will have to learn to work together if they’re going to help the Red Sox win the pennant. Wilmer Valderamma and Jason Statham star in Keystone Combination.

Johnny Damon and Bobby Abreu are former teammates who can’t give up the dream, and are on an inspirational journey for Just One More At Bat. Starring Stephen Segal and Edward James Olmos.

Major League IV: The Revenge of Rachel Phelps starring Robin Williams as “Jeffrey Loria” – Phelps after a gender reassignment surgery, William Fichtner as Mike Redmond, and Donald Glover as Giancarlo Stanton. Ever the classy gentleman, Bob Uecker refuses to appear.

Please, come up with better ideas in the usual place.




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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


12 Responses to “A Half Dozen Baseball Movies Probably Better than Fever Pitch”

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  1. Dayn Perry says:

    I saw Fever Pitch at a theater that served wholesome, nutritious alcohol, and it was still the quintessence of shit.

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  2. Chris K says:

    In his younger years Tim could smoke tons of grass, womanize the Bay Area, and flaunt his flamboyant girlish locks, knowing that his elite pitching talents would still earn him the respect of his teammates and undying admiration of the fairer sex. But as his skills declined and he was met with increased ridicule, Tim had to cut his treasured hair and learn some empathy for both genders as he worked on his game both on and off the field. This summer, Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets in touch with his feminine side in “What Chicks Feel Like”.

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  3. Josh says:

    Dustyball: The Art Of Winning An Evolving Game With Outdated Tactics. Starring Forrest Whittaker as Dusty Baker.

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  4. Jay Stevens says:

    Heck, “Fever Pitch” isn’t even the best “Fever Pitch.” The 1997 English film of the same name is better.

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  5. Mr. Smooth says:

    How about a Dick Allen movie, starring Samuel L.

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  6. Mix says:

    I loved The Kid Who Only Hit Homers when I was in grade school.

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  7. Josh says:

    Ted Williams would make for a decent biopic. I have no suggestion for an actor to play him.

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  8. agam22 says:

    I feel like taking basically the same plot as keystone combination, but with Anthony Anderson as Delmon and Robert Patrick as Michael in…Forever Young. Featuring Brian Dennehy as Charlie Manuel,

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  9. Rico says:

    The Sandlot apparently falls under the genre “Children’s Horror”

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  10. Charlie says:

    When Ian kinsler is traded to the Yankees to make room for hotstart prospect profar, he joins another who has been outdone by a hotshot rook. Kinsler and fellow Jew Kevin youkilis revamp the Yankees lineup, and with help from God, Moses, and all of your favorite rabbis win the pennant by sticking to their religion. A heartwarming story of faith and baseball coming to theaters this fall. Starring Adam sandler as Youk, a young Tim kurkjian as Ian kinsler and Morgan freeman as Moses in Thank Jew Very Much

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  11. Brian says:

    “Fever Pitch” but in the way the book ends, with the protagonist’s team losing. In this case, the Cardinals win the World Series. Would have been beautiful. /brushes off Jim Edmonds shirsey

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