Unquestionable authority on all things related to the American cinema, IMDB.com, took advantage of the opening of 42 to name what it thinks are the 10 greatest baseball movies of all time. Or at least what managing editor Keith Simanton thought qualified as the best baseball movies. One of those movies is Fever Pitch, in which Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruin the 2004 World Series by running onto the field and celebrating with the players (I assume that’s the plot, having refused to see it on principle). He also elevates Bernie Mac’s Mr 3000 and Ken Burns’ Baseball (which is not a movie, but a miniseries). About the only good thing about the list is that Simanton apparently realizes that Major League is so good it doesn’t even qualify as a baseball movie, having transcended the genre and elevated itself to become cinematic masterpiece that defies definition and label. At least that’s what I assume happened, since it’s not included on the list at all; or maybe Simanton simply hates Bob Uecker and freedom.
Anyway, in honor of Simanton’s terrible list, here are the baseball movies I want to see get made that would all presumably be better choices than Fever Pitch:
Matt Christopher’s beloved tale of a misfit whose teammates hate him and the creepy ghost of Babe Ruth, who likes to hang out alone with Junior High kids apparently, comes to life, as the Babe teaches young Sylvester Coddmeyer III that the only way he can be loved and accepted is to hit a home run in every single at bat, lest he lose the respect of his teammates and everyone he loves. Michael Cera and Jim Belushi star in The Kid Who Only Hit Homers.
For years, he and his kind had been kept out of baseball. They had been shunned and mocked. They had been spat upon and bullied. Then one man stood up and said “enough is enough,” broke the submarine line, and led a submarine pitching revolution whose effects are still being felt around the game. Adam Scott is Dan Quisenberry in Pop Quiz.
Elijah Dukes is on the loose, kidnapping Rays outfielders and only one man can stop him, his former teammate, Rocco Baldelli. Baldelli was forced out of the game by channeleopathy, but if Dukes is to be stopped before he claims his final victim (Ben Zobrist), Baldelli will have to reenter the shadowy underworld of Tampa and St. Petersburg he left behind and swore he’d never return to. Mekhi Phifer and Edward Norton star in Catcher of the Rays.
He’s a hotshot rookie with something to prove. He’s a grizzled veteran who doesn’t have time for showboating. They’re like oil and water, but Jose Iglesias and Dustin Pedroia will have to learn to work together if they’re going to help the Red Sox win the pennant. Wilmer Valderamma and Jason Statham star in Keystone Combination.
Johnny Damon and Bobby Abreu are former teammates who can’t give up the dream, and are on an inspirational journey for Just One More At Bat. Starring Stephen Segal and Edward James Olmos.
Major League IV: The Revenge of Rachel Phelps starring Robin Williams as “Jeffrey Loria” – Phelps after a gender reassignment surgery, William Fichtner as Mike Redmond, and Donald Glover as Giancarlo Stanton. Ever the classy gentleman, Bob Uecker refuses to appear.
Please, come up with better ideas in the usual place.
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