A Handy Primer to Papi Culture

David-Ortiz-2004

David Ortiz: trendsetter, world changer, wizard.

First, he turned a no-hitter into a one-hitter.

Then, he turned an infamous error into an infamous hit.

Next, he turned a pop-up into a scorching line drive (in the box score!).

In the process, he turned a one-hitter into a two-hitter … and a two-hitter into just another shutout. Now, emboldened by his mystical success, Big Papi is transforming the very world we live in – the very world we thought we knew! – by altering our most cozy definitions and familiar designations, a Merlinesque achievement in a land where magic was believed extinct.

What follows is a list of what things were and, per Ortiz, what things are.

What follows, indeed, is The World According to Papi.

error = hit

hit = basic component of The Legend of Papi

pop-up = scorching line drive (in the box score!)

one-hitter = two-hitter

two-hitter = shrine to Papi’s team-oriented approach

baseball = forum for Papi’s team-oriented approach

DH = David Ortiz

David Ortiz = Big Papi, beloved universal figure

batter’s box = Papi’s magical kingdom

tree = supplier of Papi’s magic wand

Papi’s magic wand = 34 ½”, 33-oz. Papiville Slugger

Earth = Papi’s world

Papi’s world = place in which we are just living

solar system = place that contains Papi’s world, in which we are just living

Milky Way = see above

above = Papi’s position relative to all humanity

Antarctica = Papi-less wasteland

Myanmar = developing Papi country

Papua New Guinea = Papi New Guinea, developed Papi country

Pakistan = country that Papi has his eye on

Massachusetts = state with slogan “The Spirit of Papirica”

Massachusetts (alternately) = state with slogan “Make It Papi’s”

Boston = Papitown

Boston (alternately) = The Cradle of Papity

Boston (alternately alternately) = The Intentionally Walking Papi City

New England = Greater Papi

Pop-Tarts = Papi-Tarts

Pippi Longstocking = Papi Longstocking

Mamma Mia! = Papi! Papi! Papi!

Tony! Toni! Toné! = The Three Papis

Papiamento = Papi!amento

baseball field = Papi’s Field of Papi’s Dreams

Papi’s Field of Papi’s Dreams = Papi’s reality, and therefore ours

reality = events as scripted by Papi

pitcher = Papi’s personal puppet

right fielder = see above

second baseman = see above, but let ball drop to ground anyway

television = colorful box on which anyone, including Papi, can watch Papi

radio = thing that is not as good as television for purposes of watching Papi

Internet = Papi windows for Papi watching

box score = box score!

box score! = The Gospel According to Papi

Papi = Papi

Papi = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi

Papi = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi >




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John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.


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RotoLando
Member
RotoLando
2 years 11 days ago

Wow, man.

Wow.

2004 ALCS
Guest
2004 ALCS
2 years 11 days ago

Pesky Pole = Papi’s Pesky Pole

Ty Webb
Member
2 years 11 days ago

I think Papi’s Pole is bestest.

a eskpert
Guest
a eskpert
2 years 11 days ago

He’s my least favourite superstar. And everyone cares what I think. Especially the people that are suing me for not giving them adequate information about the potential risks of some securities I sold them.

Rich Mahogany
Guest
Rich Mahogany
2 years 11 days ago

This post = Papigyric

Virgil
Guest
Virgil
2 years 11 days ago

Massachustes state motto: Ense petit Papi-dam sub libertate quietem

Boston motto: Sicut Papi-bus sit Deus nobis

Let the reader understand.

Soup
Guest
Soup
2 years 11 days ago

So if

Papi = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi >

and

Papi’s Field of Papi’s Dreams = Papi’s reality, and therefore ours

Then

Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi >’s Field of Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi >’s Dreams = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi >’s reality, and therefore ours

And

Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > > Greater Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > >’s Field of Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > > Greater Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > >’s Dreams = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > > Greater Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > = Papi = Papi > Greater Papi = Papi > >’s reality, and therefore ours

And

Well you get the idea

Soup
Guest
Soup
2 years 11 days ago

I’m getting turned on by the alignment.

Pablo
Guest
Pablo
2 years 10 days ago

Happiness is a warm Papi

wobatus
Guest
wobatus
2 years 10 days ago

Restaurant = Ortizinal, serving sustainable, locally sourced pork cracklings.

Either that or Papi’s Mofungo House.

Virgil
Guest
Virgil
2 years 10 days ago

John Paschal = John Papi’s-chal

Shawn Young
Guest
Shawn Young
2 years 10 days ago

Any article that references Papiamento is “hopi bon” with me.

Papi = Hopi, Hopi Bon!

Pato San
Guest
Pato San
2 years 9 days ago

Opiate of the masses = Milk of the Papi

Big Papi's Pharmicist
Guest
Big Papi's Pharmicist
2 years 9 days ago

Big Papi’s Pharmicist deserves some Papi Love too.

NutButters
Guest
NutButters
2 years 8 days ago

Papi’s positive steroids test = something nobody ever mentions even though other players that have never tested positive get steroids tied to their names. It’s awesome how he shook that positive steroid test! Only Papi can juice the juice test like that!

Pastry Chef
Member
Member
Pastry Chef
2 years 8 days ago

He’s investigating, dammit. He’ll get back to us with the results of his investigation any day now.

FladaYank
Member
FladaYank
2 years 8 days ago

papi=roids

james wilson
Guest
james wilson
2 years 8 days ago

Ortease doesn’t run anymore, he scoots. He looks like a guy running the bases on a Nordic track. Give him all credit though. He learned to hit without ‘roids after a time.

FladaYank
Member
FladaYank
2 years 8 days ago

His name is David Américo Ortiz Arias. He is a tough guy to hate, that big poopie, even for a NY Yankee fan. It is true he has learned to hit without roids…..or has he, only his pusher knows for sure.

SleepNowInTheFire
Guest
SleepNowInTheFire
2 years 7 days ago

Ortease… I like it. Big Papi Ortease… she’ll take the former AND the latter, thank you very much, and we’ll all want what she’s having.

????
Guest
????
2 years 7 days ago

He’s still the laziest SOB in baseball. Would it kill him to run out a ground ball? Drops F bombs in front of the media. Why does everyone love this lazy bastard so much?

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