A Little More Butt: In Praise of Adam Eaton

Paul Coro of azcentral sports recently reported on Diamondbacks outfielder Adam Eaton‘s eight-month-long struggle with hives. Eaton himself surmises that the excessive sweating caused by the hives is the main reason of his weight loss over the last month.


Eaton is hoping to reestablish his ba-donka-donk.

Coro’s news blip is chock-full of colorful quotes from Eaton that amused me greatly and that, ultimately, I could not ignore. Consider this one:

I was taking [allergy pills] twice a day and it didn’t care. It just came through. Real bad itchy. Just terrible. Sweating all the time.

I guess I haven’t done an exhaustive search for similar language, but this, to me, stands out as an unusual incidence of an athlete anthropomorphizing his ailment. The hives, here, are aware of the attack being made on them, and in spite of that, they continue their sojourn throughout Eaton’s body, stimulating his itch and sweat glands in the process.

Also, there is the phrase “real bad itchy,” which, well, alternately makes me laugh and conjures imagines of a murderous clown hulk. (Note: said phrase also has utility as a euphemism when revealing to one’s significant other that one has a mysteriously acquired groin irritation.)

Thankfully, Eaton seems to have kicked out the hives for good this time:

I got a shot and then another shot. Then I got some pills. Now I’m on two medications. I’ve been hives-free for about 72 hours now.

Hives-free for 72 hours. I mean, I know that’s not something ripped straight out of a George Saunders story, but the phrase is funny, and, to me, it reveals that Eaton has a good perspective on things, that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. I can imagine many players (or any person, for that matter) not wanting to talk to reporters about having hives, about sweating and itching all the time. But Eaton is candid, and I’m a sucker for that — especially when it comes to “sportstalk.”

And then, of course, there’s this nugget, regarding the weight loss and its aftermath:

My wife’s been cooking me bacon and eggs in the morning so hopefully we can start building it back up. I can play at this weight, but I’d like to have a little bit more thump, a little more butt.

Adam Eaton wants a bigger butt. That’s rich. I’ll love him forever.




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3 Responses to “A Little More Butt: In Praise of Adam Eaton”

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  1. Brian Asselstine says:

    Sainted by pain. [link]https://twitter.com/Dbacks/status/367154749612621824/photo/1[/link]

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  2. Jay29 says:

    Hahaha, great work, Robert. I too am delighted by the phrase “real bad itchy.” Gonna try to use that next time I get a skeeter bite or poison ivy.

    And if Weird Al ever spoofs “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore, it should be about getting a rash:

    “I got a shot and then another shot.
    Then I got some pills.”

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  3. JimmyD says:

    For a bigger butt, eat beans. Just look at any latin girls for proof.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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