A Monologue by Kendrys Morales

In 2002, I joined the Cuban national baseball team, and I was instantly a superstar. .324, 21 home runs, 82 RBI, and I even pitched in a game. I set seven rookie records. In my second season, I hit .391. Then they banned me for talking to an agent. I didn’t talk to an agent. But once they banned me, what choice did I have? Twelve times I tried to escape to the U.S. I ended up in jail. Finally, I got to Florida, but then I needed to establish foreign residency to avoid the MLB Draft, so I went to the Dominican Republic. The Angels scouted and signed me. The Dominican Republic delayed my paperwork. Finally, I was allowed to play ball in the U.S. And so what if they thought my name was Kendry instead of Kendrys? After all I risked to come here, what does one letter of my name really matter?

They called me up, they sent me down. They called me up, they sent me down. A home run in my second at-bat. Four years of minor league stats, OPS never below .872. Finally, in 2009, Mark Teixeira left, and I got my chance. 34 home runs. Slugged .569. In August I was AL Player of the Month. I could have been bitter it had taken so long, but I wasn’t. “The guys that played ahead of me were seasoned players,” I told the press, “and I didn’t deserve to play in the big leagues yet. The one thing I thought about — not how long I had to wait — was just to concentrate on playing well once that opportunity came.”

I hit my first career grand slam in May 2010. And something happened as I crossed home plate. I don’t know what I did, I don’t know why, maybe it was Fidel Castro haunting me. I don’t know. Goodbye 2010. I don’t know what kind of crazy surgeon I had, but goodbye 2010, goodbye 2011, more surgery, more rehab.

But I was on my way back. I trusted the Angels. I didn’t sue them over this crazy surgery that someone must have botched, or whatever was wrong with the home plate that made me break my leg on it. I didn’t talk to the media, I just tried to rehab and recover so I could come back and be that 34-home-run hitter again. With my eyes on 2012, I knew all would be good again.

And you’ve signed who now?

I’m sorry, you’ve signed who????

It’s one thing to compete for your job against Mark Trumbo. Who seems like a lovely guy, but let’s face it, his OBP was .291. I can beat out Mark Trumbo, and if I can’t then I don’t deserve a spot on the team.

But you’ve signed who now?

How the heck am I supposed to compete with the best player in baseball? For two years I’ve been trying to come back from this freak injury, the only thing keeping me sane being the idea that my job was sort of waiting for me. That I’d at least have a shot. That the people [author’s note: I am one of those people] who kept me on their fantasy team rosters, because they can’t seem to find someone who isn’t injured to fill the easiest position slot to fill in baseball, were counting on me to come back. Believing in me. Holding a spot on their fake teams for me. Trusting that my left leg would work again.

And now you’ve signed Albert Pujols. And Mark Trumbo is still around. And I’m screwed. I may as well go back to Cuba. I may as well sit in a Cuban jail for the rest of my life, because I’m supposed to beat out Albert Pujols for the first base job? Come on. Come on, Arte Moreno, I thought we were friends. Sure, you say there’s a DH slot out there that I can compete for, but Bobby Abreu, Vernon Wells, and Torii Hunter are making a heck of a lot more money than I am, Peter Bourjos and Mike Trout are there, they say Trumbo can play the outfield too, that means there are 6 of us for 4 slots. And one of us has a broken leg. So who do you think is going to end up on the bench?

Kendrys. I mean Kendry. Heck, why don’t you slice a few more letters off my name now, since you’ve given away my job? Kendr Morale, that looks good. Or, even better, Ken Mora. I can be Ken Mora, bench player for the Salt Lake Bees. Do you know what it’s like for a Cuban person in Salt Lake City? They think I’m an extraterrestrial.

Come on, Albert. Fail your physical. Go back to the Cardinals. Let me keep my job. Please, Albert, I’m begging you. Don’t do it. Don’t do this to me. I thought we were friends. You nodded at me once. I thought we were friends. I’m going to find your real birth certificate and release it if you do this to me, Albert. Everyone is going to know you’re 62 years old, I swear. Don’t make me do it. I know people, Albert. I know people who can hurt you. Just ask Mark Trumbo. How do you think he got a stress fracture of the navicular bone in September, causing him to miss winter ball? I know people. I hate you. I hate the Angels. I hate the United States of America.

Thanks to Wikipedia and Baseball-Reference for lots of the facts here.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


14 Responses to “A Monologue by Kendrys Morales”

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  1. beachykeen says:

    Just like the Indian in Dances with Wolves, a lone tear ran down my face upon completion of this magnificent work.

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    • Brian says:

      The Angels would be wise to trade away Abreu right now and promise full time DH to Morales. Otherwise, they should trade away Morales before he publicly asks to be released.

      I actually feel kinda bad for this guy. I’m a Blue Jays fan, and I watched the game in 2010 when Morales broke his leg. At that time, I thought to myself, well it’s bases loaded, Angels’ home game, and the guy hits his first career grand slam. What a fitting end to a game.

      And boom, there goes the leg.

      But I didn’t know he had such a crappy past. I mean, k’mon the dude is already 28 and he’s actually pretty good.

      I’m sure the Cardinals, Cubs or Rays could use a guy like Morales. As a rival competitor, I hope he doesn’t do well against the Blue Jays, but I wish he him the best of success with the remainder of his career.

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  2. Josh says:

    Utterly brilliant.

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  3. Phils_Goodman says:

    DH?

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  4. reillocity says:

    I think it’s more likely that something was wrong with Morales’ lower leg before he broke it, perhaps even the Bo Jackson injury all over again. Regardless of why his leg fractured, the Angels clearly don’t like his medical prognosis moving forward.

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  5. ettin says:

    Barring a trade, you will see Trumbo at 3B, Pujols at 1B, and Morales DH’ing. Morales will get occasional playing time at 1B but he will DH mainly.

    Bourjos
    Kendrick
    Morales
    Pujols
    Wells
    Hunter
    Trumbo
    Iannetta
    Aybar

    BOOM!

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  6. Bird says:

    “I can be Ken Mora, bench player for the Salt Lake Bees.”

    Amazing.

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  7. Milwaukee Brewers says:

    We’ve got an open first base job waiting for you.
    -Love,
    Mark Atanasio

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  8. St Louis Cardinals says:

    We’ve got an open first base job waiting for you.
    -Love,
    William DeWitt

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  9. Your Ex-Girlfriend says:

    I’ve got a position at third base just waiting for you.

    – Your Ex-Girlfriend

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