A-Rod’s Master Plan

Today, Bob Klapisch reported that the Yankees have no idea what’s going on with A-rod, calling his comments (in which he tweeted out an update on how his rehab is going without clearing it with the Yankees’ front office first) “bizarre” and saying “they’re also stumped the slugger’s recent behavior.”  Well, everyone knows Alex is a complicated guy, and it’s likely that nobody actually understands him.

That must be pretty lonely for a fella, so I want to help you get him better. I snuck into his fortified compound (like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment, but with tighter pants) and stole what looked like an explanation for what he was trying to accomplish. Here now, for the first time, is A-Rod’s master plan:

 A-Rod's plans

Click to embiggen. Duh.

  1. Get on Twitter!
  2. Tweet good news about hip, making all Yankees love me because their third basemen have hit just .238/.294/.325 this year and are all hurt.
  3. Arrive back in New York to a mob of adoring fans.
  4. Have likeness made into a Macy’s style balloon for the resultant parade through Times Square!
  5. Post .400 wOBA for the rest of 2013, leading the Yankees to the World Serie [sic] win.
  6. Get elected mayor
  7. Bring back the porn and hookers.
  8. Graft! Graft! Graft!
  9. More Graft!
  10. City spins out of control. Have Manhattan converted to max security prison.
  11. In lawless city, free from stupid laws, undergo radical transplant and reconstructive surgery.
  12. Become first ever Duke of Manhattan/Centaur
  13. Take drawing and penmanship classes.

I don’t know about you, but I think this is a plan for New York we can all get behind.

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Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for MLB Daily Dish on SB Nation. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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The Return of Rambo Diaz
The Return of Rambo Diaz

I would like to nominate “Balloon Me!” as a new FanGraphs category. Also, this was awesome.