A Short, Mediocre Play Featuring Tom Milone

ACT I

(The curtain rises to reveal TOM MILONE, left-handed pitcher for the Oakland A’s.)

TOM MILONE: My name is Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club. My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

ACT II

(The office of a GREAT PLAYWRIGHT. TOM MILONE enters.)

TOM MILONE: Sir, my name is Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club. My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

GREAT PLAYWRIGHT: A great play? I’m not aware that such a thing exists anymore.

TOM MILONE: But I thought you were a great playwright?

GREAT PLAYWRIGHT: I’m a fictional character!

ACT III

(CARSON CISTULLI‘s dream from last night. TOM MILONE appears suddenly.)

TOM MILONE: Carson Cistulli? Hello. I’m Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club.

CARSON CISTULLI: Of course.

TOM MILONE: My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

CARSON CISTULLI: Great play? I’m not aware that…

TOM MILONE: That’s what the great playwright said.

CARSON CISTULLI: Oh. (Thinking and rubbing chin thoughtfully, handsomely.) What about the idea of baseball-as-drama? That’s not satisfying for you?

TOM MILONE: I’ve considered it, but the foundation for the metaphor is weak. Baseball games bear resemblance to plays, but are not them — much like spiders, while resembling insects, are not insects. In the end, baseball games are baseball games; great plays, great plays. It’s my ambition to be a character in the latter.

CARSON CISTULLI: (Thinking, still handsomely.) Well, what about this — what about a short, mediocre play?

TOM MILONE: (Grimaces slightly, dissatisfied.) What would that accomplish?

CARSON CISTULLI: You start off in a short, mediocre play; you work your way up.

TOM MILONE: That’s a thing?

CARSON CISTULLI: Consider Prince Hamlet. He was a character in a number of short, mediocre plays before appearing in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

TOM MILONE: Are you lying?

CARSON CISTULLI: Sometimes one must lie to tell the truth!

(At this, TOM MILONE and CARSON CISTULLI laugh and laugh and laugh, like children in the kingdom of heaven.)




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Dino
Guest
Dino
4 years 1 month ago

i don’t get it

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 1 month ago

It’s easy. Tom Milone is preparing for a career in the (other) performing arts, clearly in anticipation of the Oakland baseball club’s inevitable and imminent contraction.

Carson Cistulli (not to be confused with a great playwright), simply reminds him that much in the same way he had to play for the short-season and mediocre Vermont Lake Monsters before he was able to play for the great* Oakland Athletics, Milone will have to settle for work in theatre on a lower scale in the hopes of rising to greatness.

In other words, Milone must learn to walk before he runs, despite his desires to perform the reverse. A lesson we are all encouraged to learn.

* in this instance, great merely designates being something that is not the ‘Vermont Lake Monsters’.

jsalin
Member
jsalin
4 years 1 month ago

*checks date on calendar*

Aha!

BriGuySTL
Member
BriGuySTL
4 years 1 month ago

Did it all occur in Carson Cistulli’s head? Does Tom Milone have the ability to drop into people’s dreams? Was Tom Milone ever really interested in becoming a character in a great play in the first place?

A compelling read, to be sure, but I am frustrated by the unanswered questions. I suppose a rule of theater is to ‘leave them wanting more,’ but in this case I do not find those words comforting.

John Stamos
Member
John Stamos
4 years 1 month ago

Now that Tom Milone was a character in this short, mediocre play, does that mean that he work his way up to a great play now? Did Carson just do Tom Milone a favor by writing this for him? Am I in heaven already?

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
4 years 1 month ago

“not aware that such a thing exists anymore?”

Carson, in my stalking of you I h ave learned that, if you look west approximately 50 miles you will find the American Players Theater where great plays can be found all summer long.

Follow those up with a visit to Taliesin or, dare I suggest it, The House on the Rock. You will not be disappointed.

Bill but. It Ted
Guest
Bill but. It Ted
4 years 1 month ago

Hours, I have spent hours, yet the links will not link!

e.gruver
Member
e.gruver
4 years 1 month ago

seriously…where do you come up with these things?!

dudley
Member
Member
dudley
4 years 1 month ago

i cast bartolo colon as tom milone in a recent production of this play. i scored a real coup by convincing danny devito to play cistulli (they’re both italian-american, right?), during his time off from sunny.

piratesbreak500
Member
piratesbreak500
4 years 1 month ago

The more I think about this, the more I laugh. Fantastic, sir. Or, it could be that I’m really tired as I read it. Either way, the characters are much appreciated.

Paul Merlo
Guest
Paul Merlo
4 years 26 days ago

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