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A Short, Mediocre Play Featuring Tom Milone

ACT I

(The curtain rises to reveal TOM MILONE, left-handed pitcher for the Oakland A’s.)

TOM MILONE: My name is Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club. My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

ACT II

(The office of a GREAT PLAYWRIGHT. TOM MILONE enters.)

TOM MILONE: Sir, my name is Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club. My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

GREAT PLAYWRIGHT: A great play? I’m not aware that such a thing exists anymore.

TOM MILONE: But I thought you were a great playwright?

GREAT PLAYWRIGHT: I’m a fictional character!

ACT III

(CARSON CISTULLI‘s dream from last night. TOM MILONE appears suddenly.)

TOM MILONE: Carson Cistulli? Hello. I’m Tom Milone, of the Oakland baseball club.

CARSON CISTULLI: Of course.

TOM MILONE: My ambition is to become a character in a great play!

CARSON CISTULLI: Great play? I’m not aware that…

TOM MILONE: That’s what the great playwright said.

CARSON CISTULLI: Oh. (Thinking and rubbing chin thoughtfully, handsomely.) What about the idea of baseball-as-drama? That’s not satisfying for you?

TOM MILONE: I’ve considered it, but the foundation for the metaphor is weak. Baseball games bear resemblance to plays, but are not them — much like spiders, while resembling insects, are not insects. In the end, baseball games are baseball games; great plays, great plays. It’s my ambition to be a character in the latter.

CARSON CISTULLI: (Thinking, still handsomely.) Well, what about this — what about a short, mediocre play?

TOM MILONE: (Grimaces slightly, dissatisfied.) What would that accomplish?

CARSON CISTULLI: You start off in a short, mediocre play; you work your way up.

TOM MILONE: That’s a thing?

CARSON CISTULLI: Consider Prince Hamlet. He was a character in a number of short, mediocre plays before appearing in Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

TOM MILONE: Are you lying?

CARSON CISTULLI: Sometimes one must lie to tell the truth!

(At this, TOM MILONE and CARSON CISTULLI laugh and laugh and laugh, like children in the kingdom of heaven.)