A Taxonomy of Baseball Eyebrows

Baseball, besides providing us with boundless joy and Things to Talk about with The Stern and Distant Fathers of America, also lays out before us the full complement of modern eyebrow styles. Let us now see to the essential business of identifying and naming those styles …

Prototype: Wally Moon
Taxonomy: “The Woolly X-Axis”

Mr. Moon has, of course, graced these pages before, largely on the strength of his eyebrows and related steely gaze. So why “The Woolly X-Axis”? Because Wally Moon’s brow is as straight as a line drawn by Autocad and as unceasing as the love of a good woman. It is also not hairy, but woolly.

Prototype: Andy Etchebarren
Taxonomy: “The Husky Tolkein”

On Mr. Etchebarren we see brows that, unlike Mr. Moon’s, possess a left-right autonomy but still manage to indulge in neglect and misrule. They call to mind a man who is too preoccupied by things British, like sodden moors or alcohol or making love to an elf, to tend to matters eyebrow.

Prototype: Vic Rodriguez
Taxonomy: “Forehead Made of Sex”

Mr. Rodriguez sees to his business. His caterpillars are maintained but not to the extent that they are robbed of the manly vigor within. Fact: Each eyebrow houses a functioning pecker.

Prototype: Frank Zupo
Taxonomy: “A Rumor of War”

One might be tempted to survey Mr. Zupo’s developing situation and term it “The Woolly X-Axis.” But, lo, it is not! Note that the line is not unbroken! Observe that the center cannot hold! The momentary, strobe-lit glimpse of skin indicates a turmoil, a border conflict between entrenched right brow and dissident left. A fife-and-drum corps heralds bloodshed and the terminus of statecraft. Yes: a rumor of war.

Prototype: Bill Buckner
Taxonomy: “Brezhnev’s Lively”

Named for superficial resemblances to Leonid Brezhnev, who’s most famous for being not as bad as Stalin. As you can imagine, this brow styling often accompanies a man devoted to maintaining the command economy, crushing the political opposition and playing baseball. Somewhat curious, then, that this search yields no results. A little too curious, actually.



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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Yirmiyahu
Member

Good work.

What about Sammy Stewart, who has matching moustaches on both his lip and forehead?comment image

Or Red Schoendienst, who has no eyebrow at all?comment image

Yirmiyahu
Member

My comment is awaiting moderation. Why does fangraphs’ spam algorithm hate me so much?

Dizzy Valance
Guest
Dizzy Valance

because you touch yourself at night

Kernel
Guest
Kernel

I’m more concerned about the neck hair Buckner’s rocking than his fuzzy brow.

DD
Guest
DD

Unfortunately for Buckner, manscaping wasn’t invented until he had long since retired.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222

It looks like a misplaced, vertical third eyebrow.

Keith
Guest
Keith

it took me a while to figure out what that was. I didn’t want it to be so.

NM
Guest

No collection of baseball player eyebrows is complete without Mets’ Josh Satin:comment image

bowie
Guest
bowie

referring to thick eyebrows as “caterpillars” — that is my new favorite thing

Mr. Observant
Guest
Mr. Observant

This is an instant Mr. Perry classic – the Tolkein piece is piss-one’s-trousers funny. I also would put forward Jose Cruz Jr. for consideration as the exemplar of the Latino Waxer…

Cocktailsfor2
Guest
Cocktailsfor2

Any decent Unibrow discussion must include Jack Clark. “Eye moustache,” indeed.

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anson will.i.ams
Guest
anson will.i.ams

yeah. but all this kind of sickens me

Dylan
Guest
Dylan

It looks like Frank Zupo has a “nose-brow”

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