A World Without Andrew McCutchen

The idea of a world without Garfield has already been fully realized. But what of a world without Andrew McCutchen?

I’ve often wondered — fantasized, even — about what it would be like if I just disappeared from my life. Like, just totally evaporated. Usually, it’s difficult not to imagine a net positive. One less “first world” carbon footprint couldn’t hurt. The world — especially Carson Cistulli’s world — might be better off with far fewer very predictable jokes about genitals. Someone with more talent and ambition would inevitably fill my position at a very worthwhile nonprofit. The overall quality of NotGraphs would improve. My mother would not have to waste her time tediously preparing lectures to give me about my debt; she could actually enjoy her retirement. The list goes on.

When Andrew McCutchen disappears — just totally goes invisible — the world (well, the Pittsburgh Pirates, at least) still experience a net positive for an entirely different set of reasons. Really, it’s the same set of positives that McCutchen provides while not being disappeared. In his absence, he still catches balls while leaping into the wall, he still hits home runs, he still keeps the outfield at PNC Park clean of debris while maintaining an amiable demeanor.

Indeed, some people are such a positive force in the world that even in the absence of their corporeal self, their force continues to make a difference. I am not one of those people, but I am happy to know they exist.

Thanks, ‘Cutch.

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10 Responses to “A World Without Andrew McCutchen”

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  1. uh... says:


    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Josh says:

    Please don’t do this again.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. James K. says:

    Why aren’t there more AIDS jokes around here?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. mattc says:


    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Resolution says:

    The Pirates don’t have enough money to sign all the invisible Andrew McCutchens. They’re going to end up on the Yankees. Andrew McCutchen (or Not Andrew McCutchen, depending on your interpretation of this piece) will contribute more to the demise of baseball than any other single person (or not person).

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Gary says:

    Wasn’t funny at all. Or was it not supposed to be? Now I’m confused.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. JuanPierreDoesSteroids says:

    Negatives: This was not funny and somewhat confusing.

    Positives: being introduced to “Garfield minus Garfield”.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. matt w says:


    Positives: Anyone who works at Woodland Pattern can’t be all bad.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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