Abbott and Costello Discuss The Pirates’ Trade

ABBOTT

Who’d the Pirates just get?

COSTELLO

Byrd.

ABBOTT

Oh, stop being a wise guy. I know pirates have birds. Parrots, in fact. Pirates have parrots.

COSTELLO

No, Pirates have Byrd.

ABBOTT

A parrot’s a bird. That’s what I said.

COSTELLO

No, I mean Byrd. Marlon Byrd.

ABBOTT

A marlin’s a fish, not a bird.

COSTELLO

I know.

ABBOTT

Then why’d you say a marlin’s a bird?

COSTELLO

I didn’t. I said the Pirates got Byrd.

ABBOTT

Yes, a parrot. A parrot bird. I wasn’t asking about the Marlins.

COSTELLO

Exactly. I’m telling you about the Pirates. They got Byrd.

ABBOTT

A parrot.

COSTELLO

No! A Byrd!

ABBOTT

What kind of a bird?

COSTELLO

Marlon.

ABBOTT

He’s not a bird, he’s a fish!

COSTELLO

Forget it. They also got Buck.

ABBOTT

A new Buc, of course. Who?

COSTELLO

Buck.

ABBOTT

That’s just short for Pirate. Who’d they get?

COSTELLO

Buck.

ABBOTT

They’re all Bucs! Why won’t you tell me?

COSTELLO

Buck.

ABBOTT

Buc, buc, buc. You sound like a chicken.

COSTELLO

A chicken’s a bird. The Pirates got Byrd.

ABBOTT

What kind of bird? A marlin. A marlin’s a fish.

COSTELLO

We’re not talking about the Marlins!

ABBOTT

So who’d the Pirates give up?

COSTELLO

Dilson Herrera.

ABBOTT

Dilson Herrera? That’s a funny name! He’s a second baseman?

COSTELLO

What?

ABBOTT

No, I think he retired.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Very well done, Mr. Blachman!

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