Actual Thing: King Pepper™ Baseball Bat Pepper Mill

The Actual Thing you see pictured here (and which you’re free to click for embiggen-ing purposes) comes to us not from the wild frontier of the internet, but rather from the Dark Overlord of FanGraphs Inc. himself, David Appelman.

While, as per usual, Appelman’s exact whereabouts are unknown, wherever he is is also the sort of place that sells the item which is (a) currently washing over your senses and (b) called the King Pepper-brand Baseball Bat Pepper Mill.

As the cardboard display makes plain enough, this pepper mill possesses the following qualities:

• Ideal für BBQs
• Perfekte Geschenkidee
• Hochwertiges Mahlmechanism
• Grosse Pfefferkapacitat

Per the internet, this item is available for just 29.95 American dollars. How much that is wherever Appelman has found himself — that’s harder to say.

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Those clever bastards. I’ll bet they had this thing on the shelf in wait for years. Now we’ve got all of these new ballparks, and all of the old “no pepper” signs are gone. Perfect time to hit the market.