Bold New All-Star Flavors Expected for 2013

For over a decade now, the MLB All-Star break has been filled with more than just the All-Star game itself. In addition to accompanying FanFests, we have the Homerun Derby (started in 1985), the Futures Game (1999), and the Taco Bell All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game (2001; now with new Doritos-based bases!).

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has discovered, via measures that may or may not jive with the various etiquettes of journalism, that Bud Selig, ever the trailblazer, is planning to expand the festively festive festivities starting in 2013 with the All-Star extravaganza at Citi Field, home of the New York Mets.

The Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has compiled the following list of events that Selig and his closest cronies have proposed to MLB owners and officials. It appears here, exclusively at NotGraphs, for the spoiled and glistening NotGraphs readership:

The Should’ves Game

This event will pit the Prospect Flops vs. the One-Year Wonders. Each team is allowed three mulligans to help assure that the game turns out the way it should have. The game MVP “wins” a minor league contract with the Oakland Athletics.

The Should’ves Game will be played at the same time as the Futures Game, which will help MLB to more accurately discern which fans prefer the hopeful and which are obsessed with regret. The former will be sent emails offering deals on, the latter with special offers to attend “fantasy camps” that simulate seasons past.

Todd Van Poppel will start the first ever Should’ves Game for the Prospect Flops.

Mascot Battle Royale

What else: a bloddy carnage of plushies. Cage match; no holds barred.

Mr. Met’s gun won’t be filled with mere t-shirts when he defends his turf.

Whiff Derby

MLB’s high-powered strikeout artists such as Justin Verlander and Yu Darvish will do their best to strike out the bullpen catchers and ag├ęd coaches of their choosing. As opposed to the “Outs” used in the Homerun Derby, the Whiff Derby will use “Hits” — each ball put into play is a Hit. Pitchers get a point for a whiff; foul balls do not count as Hits.

Dickey make-a hometown whiffy.

John Kruk’s Cook Out

Details on this event were limited: the Investigative Reporting Investigation Team was able to discover only that it will be 72 hours long and that MLB has purchased a paper bib manufacturing plant in Venezuela in anticipation of it.

Slather everything in butter — especially the microphones.

Pet-Stars Game

Various MLB clubs have made an effort to be pet-friendly this year. In 2013, the best pets will get to strut their stuff in an all-pet show down at Citi-Field on the Wednesday following the All-Star game. Dogs vs. Cats. Sure to be cute. I can has double play.

Do these dogs look like they have what it takes to make the Pet Stars team?

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4 Responses to “Bold New All-Star Flavors Expected for 2013”

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  1. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    I like how the guy in the orange shirt in the pet photo was able to get that girl to jump up and down in anticipation of the treat he had in his hand. That’s a pretty awesome trick. I’ve been trying to get my weiner dog to stand on two legs and jump for his treats for 2 months now with no such luck.

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    • John says:

      If you can teach him to run on two legs he’d be a perfect candidate for Miller Park’s 7th-inning sausage race.

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  2. LaConte says:

    I heard Miami is actually threatening to trade Carlos Zambrano to the paper bib plant in Venezuela if he doesn’t step it up. They’ve got a manager there who can hit a lazy worker right in the bib from anywhere in the plant.

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  3. Table says:

    can’t believe this only has (had) 3 comments. I’m catching it late, but it’s absolute GOLD. I especially like….well all of the events. GJ Selig, you may win me over yet. Just playing out the hypothetical mascot war, and strikeout derby in my head is fun. The should have game if probably my fav idea, the A’s so would sign the MVP lol. Surprised to hear that Dogs get into parks anywhere. That would be a hellstorm most places I know.

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