Against Children

Kenesaw Mountain Landis takes aim at a young fan.

When it comes to child-rearing I (a) have no first-hand experience whatsoever but (b) possess an inordinate number of opinions on how strangers could be doing it better. Yes, I’m aware that this is an unattractive combination — one quite hostile to people who’re tasked with the responsibility of raising the leaders of tomorrow. And, yes, I’m definitely about to elaborate on this most indefensible of positions.

Particularly, I’d like to address the pang of hurt that manifests itself in my soul when I read press releases with headlines like this one (courtesy of the Seattle Mariners)

Kids Rule at Safeco Field

and which begin like so:

Salute to Kids
The fun gets underway on Sunday, April 10, the third home game of the season, with Salute to Kids Day. All kids 14 and under will receive a free Ichiro T-shirt, courtesy of The Boeing Company. A group of kids, ages 6-14, will be chosen at random to run the show with a variety of dream jobs including honorary team manager, scoreboard operator, public address announcer, camera operator and grounds crew member. Nine lucky kids will be introduced to the crowd and take the field with their favorite Mariners players before the game. Salute to Kids Day will be repeated on Sunday, August 28, when all kids 14 and younger will receive a Felix Hernandez T-shirt, courtesy of Boeing.

Firstly, I recognize that promotions are less representations of an organization’s core values and more an attempt on the part of said organization to draw fans. This is a fact with which I can live.

However, I’ll also submit that children generally do not possess the temperament required for baseball fandom. Having met some of them (i.e. children), I can tell you that they have little-to-no understanding of advanced baseball analysis, sometimes don’t even know the names of the players on their own team, and, finally, can’t hold their liquor at all. Furthermore, the taunts they hurl at the opposition are typically pretty weak, generally gravitating to the tritely scatalogical (Poop Face, Diarrhea Head, and the like).

Looking over the list of promotions being offered by the Mariners in 2011, I’m struck by the paucity of adult-themed offerings. There is something called Viva Las Vargas Night — which I see is only for patrons 21 & over — but I’m suspicious about it, too, as the three other 21 & over promotions are all giveaways of a most sedate manner, including a reusable bag for women, a “patriotic” cap, and a fleece blanket.

Allow me to note that I’m not advocating for the merely cruel and/or inhuman. For example, the Murder an Opposing Player Just with Your Bare Hands Night you see at some Argentinian football stadia presents obvious problems. But, surely, there’s some middle ground.

For example, perhaps it might be fitting to sample a flight of fine Venezuelan rums in honor of Felix Hernandez — or to go home with some fine domestic tobaccos in honor of UNC product and North Carolina native Dustin Ackley?

Let this not represent a formal submission for those particular promotions, but rather a general call for more adult-oriented promotions.




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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Bgaw
Guest
Bgaw
5 years 3 months ago

Love it Carson… Might I also suggest ‘Talk With a Twang Night,’ just to make Justin Smoak (a native of Goose Creek, S.C and possessor of an almost indecipherable accent the one time I’ve heard him speak) feel a little more comfortable?

Coop!
Guest
Coop!
5 years 3 months ago

When I first read this night’s name, I thought it was a response to Danmay’s suggestion.

Danmay
Guest
Danmay
5 years 3 months ago

How about some adult toys in my cereal box too!

Mac
Guest
Mac
5 years 3 months ago

Carson, you obviously haven’t seen the story of Allison Pency. The eight year old who hates David Wright.

Reporter: “Do like calling David Wright names?”
Allison: “Yeah, he’s human garbage”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1V_DiRi6c0&feature=player_embedded&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1

And yes, I am quit enjoying the new Onion SportsDome show.

Bryz
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

You quit enjoying SportsDome? Such a shame.

D4P
Guest
D4P
5 years 3 months ago

Children should be neither seen nor heard.

Rowsdower
Guest
Rowsdower
5 years 3 months ago

You can always tell a Milford man.

kick me in the GO NATS
Guest
kick me in the GO NATS
5 years 3 months ago

I suggest: Hats only day (Nudist day), European Sunbathing day, and Whiskey and Cigar day.

Chris
Guest
Chris
5 years 3 months ago

Change whiskey to rum and you can call it Castro day, best observed when the Pirates are visiting the Reds with Chapman on the mound.

Navin V.
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

I’m down for both Whiskey and Cigar Day, and Rum and Cigar Day.

DownwiththeDH
Member
DownwiththeDH
5 years 3 months ago

“However, I’ll also submit that children generally do not possess the temperament required for baseball fandom.”

You’re a fucken’ idiot. How does this site allow you to write for it?

Navin V.
Guest
5 years 3 months ago

Voted down, man.

Dayn Perry
Editor
Member
5 years 3 months ago

I’m with yew! Cistulli suckzzzz!

Oscar
Guest
Oscar
5 years 3 months ago

Seriously, it’s awful. Two sentences in and I know without looking at the author that I’m on hand to witness yet another Carson-sponsored raping of the English language.

Matt Defalco
Member
Matt Defalco
5 years 3 months ago

Sorry to hear that you don’t enjoy it. Sometimes completely forced sexual domination of a language can be quite hilarious and pleasurable to read.

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
5 years 29 days ago

That’s a very apt description of what Mr. Cistulli does. I, personally, love it.

Leo Martin
Member
5 years 3 months ago

All kids 14 and under will receive a free Ichiro T-shirt, courtesy of The Boeing Company.

A group of kids, ages 6-14, will be chosen at random to run the show with a variety of dream jobs including honorary team manager, scoreboard operator, public address announcer, camera operator and grounds crew member.

Nine lucky kids will be introduced to the crowd and take the field with their favorite Mariners players before the game.

A handful of extremely lucky kids will be placed in the game as eighth-inning defensive replacements for the tiredest Mariners players.

Two truly exceptional children will alternate innings throughout the game as third-base umpire.

And finally, one tiny, transcendently fortunate little pot-pie of hope will have the honor to serve as the official game ball, Mariner nation’s sole and central focus from the game’s first pitch to its last.

Miles
Guest
Miles
5 years 3 months ago

I am 14, and I am very much intrigued by advanced statistical analysis. I go to a school of 700 people, and I know for a fact I am the only one that knows about sabermetrics. Hell, I’m probably the only fan of the home team, the Seattle Mariners

tbad
Member
tbad
5 years 28 days ago

^This guy, Miles? He’ll hold his liquor someday.

Miles
Guest
Miles
5 years 3 months ago

Also, I didn’t find this article offensive at all. So fuck you “DownwiththeDH”

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