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Alexander Cartwright Speaks: A Virtual Seance

Posted By Eric Augenbraun On July 12, 2011 @ 1:30 pm In Open Letter | 3 Comments

Greetings from the afterlife!

It’s me, Alexander Cartwright. Today marks the 119th year since I passed on from the physical realm into Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez’s closet (no, it wasn’t a dream, Benny). Every once in a while when I am called upon or when I feel there is a pressing need, I’ll make a return on the anniversary of my death. So as my mere presence today indicates, there are some scores that need asettlin’. To hell with Ouija boards, we’ve finally moved into the 21st century, which is more than we can say for Mr. Selig.

Back in October it was brought to my attention by Bart (Giamatti) that that nitwit snake oil used car salesman was once again promulgating lies about the origins of the game for which he serves as steward. This time, when prompted by an autograph expert about his stance on that roaming band of drunken hacks, The Mills Commission, he gave this response:

As a student of history, I know there is a great debate whether Abner Doubleday or Alexander Cartwright really founded the game of baseball. From all of the historians which I have spoken with, I really believe that Abner Doubleday is the “father of baseball.” I know there are some historians who would dispute this though.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I hope that this has been helpful. I appreciate your interest in this most interesting historical subject.

Sincerely
Allan H. Selig

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of me dying of laughter.

What tommyrot! What bunkum! What flapdoodle! What codswallop!

Let me tell you something, Bud: Abner Doubleday no more invented baseball than Al Gore invented the internet. (And please allow me take this time to offer a short aside on Doubleday. I do not mean to diminish the man’s contributions to our country in the War of Southern Backwardness — particularly at Gettysburg — but, to put it in terms that readers of this weblog will understand, the man’s PMARG (pincer maneuvers above replacement general) was barely above 2.3…FOR HIS CAREER. Decent, but hardly warranting the “national hero” label. Moreover, his success at Gettysburg can primarily be attributed to an unsustainably high DHOCBIP (direct hits on cannon balls in play).)

Now, some rebellious youngsters who have opted to reject the “Great Man” theory of history have arrived at the conclusion that the modern game of baseball was not invented but “evolved” over the course of many years with contributions from many individuals. I am here now to say that these children, too, are sorely mistaken. There is nothing wrong with the “Great Man” theory of history. Selig and Co. just have the wrong Great Man.

Do not be fooled; I, Alexander Cartwright, am the undisputed father of baseball. Even the United States Congress had the good sense to declare it so in 1953. All the information you need is right here on my “Wikipedia” page. To believe otherwise at this point is to see the light and nevertheless remain in the shadows.

Speaking of “the light,” Denton True informs me that I am late for lunch. It’s taco day!

Until next time,

Alexander Joy Cartwright, Jr.


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