Some of Your Midseason Fantasy Questions Answered

I’m in a 5×5 keeper league, languishing in last place (Fielder, Verlander, Holliday, etc). I’ve spent the past three weeks working day and night to dump some of my veterans for prospects who could potentially help me turn this around in the future, but obviously underperforming old guys are a pretty hard sell. Nevertheless, I took each team’s roster and spent hours entering projections and running simulations to demonstrate that my proposed deals were fair, and they should take the risk of, say, a Holliday turnaround in exchange for a risky bet like Noah Syndergaard. Hours on the phone, missed tons of family stuff, really dedicated my past few weeks to this and got a whole bunch of blue-chip prospects and risky wild cards (Danny Salazar, etc). My question: is my wife going to leave me?

Yes.

I’m in a crazy dynasty keeper league, we have three in-season drafts to pick up new guys, just had one after work last week to grab players from the draft. I ended up with Rodon and Pentecost and feel pretty good about that, but I feel pretty terrible about the fact that I missed my wife’s 12-week ultrasound to go to the draft, told her I had to work late but she found out I was lying. My question: is my wife going to leave me?

Yes.

After years of putting our league before our family, my husband somehow convinced me things would be better if I joined the league too and became fantasy-baseball-crazy like him. Turns out I actually love it, it’s been the best spring of our marriage, we’re both now totally into it, we spend more time together than ever before and don’t hate each other because of it. Problem is I’m demolishing him, am in first place by a whole bunch, basically stole Tanaka and Josh Donaldson from him in an early-season trade, and he’s in eighth place with no hope, mopes around the house all day, blames me for his sucky team. My question: is my husband going to leave me?

Yes.

I was about the pull the trigger on a great deal, had the e-mail written, just needed to push send, and I suddenly started vomiting blood. Went to the ER, the e-mail never got sent, and by the time I got back to my phone, the guy had pulled the offer. The blood is just the tip of the iceberg– everything that could be coming out of me is coming out of every orifice. Doctors say it’s a medical mystery. How do I get the guy to offer the trade again?

Sorry. You probably can’t. Good luck.

I think I accidentally traded my daughter for Carlos Gomez. Wife is furious. Well, sometimes. Depends on her mood. Was it a good deal?

Not sure.

Is it actually the middle of the season yet?

Not quite. Soon.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


12 Responses to “Some of Your Midseason Fantasy Questions Answered”

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  1. Umpire Weekend says:

    Too soon?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. jcxy says:

    Question. I saw on the main page an article titled:

    “POLLS: The projections and you” and, immediately thought we’d have the Notgraphs counter, “POLES: Projections and you” by now. This would of course look into some ROS projections for some ballplayers with Polish ancestry. This would also allow for some mild, questionably racist, humor at the Poles expense throughout the piece.

    I need that post, Notgraphs. I need it.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Marc Rzepczynski says:

      I’m visualizing a light bulb appearing over your head when this idea came to you.

      Too bad my friends and I will have to change it.

      +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Marc Rzepczynski says:

    I’m visualizing a light bulb appearing over your head when this idea came to you.

    Too bad my friends and I will have to change it.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. me says:

    I actually traded my cat for a closer one time. His name was Tucker and he had feline aids. Didn’t tell the guy.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Marc Rzepczynski says:

    I’m visualizing a light bulb appearing over your head when this idea came to you.

    Too bad my friends and I will have to change it.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Miles says:

    said owner now owes Gomez half his 2014 salary and also must pay child support to his previous fantasy team. bad deal financially, but they did pick up a good piece for for this year’s playoff run (barring injury)

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Marc Rzcepczynski says:

    I’m visualizing a light bulb appearing over your head when this idea came to you.

    Too bad my friends and I will have to change it.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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