Alternative Jokes For Brad Ausmus’s Next Open Mic Night

Brad Ausmus is the handsome manager of the Detroit Tigers, one of only 30 men in the world who can claim a job managing a Major League Baseball team. That’s a hell of a gig, and you think most people would be happy with that amount of professional success.

Alas, Brad Ausmus is not most people. He wants something much, much more, but much, much less prestigious: to be a standup comedian. Take his comments on Tuesday, for instance:

As most of us know, wife beating jokes went out with the death of Jackie Gleason. Nobody else has been able to consistently been able to transcend the appalling image of a large man beating the hell out of his spouse. We really miss you, Jackie.

Ausmus apologized, both for not being funny and for making light of spousal abuse. In light of his apparently very real remorse, The Royal We are inclined to offer him some form of conciliation. Here’s a list of better possible responses for Mr. Ausmus, should he get the question again:Answer 2

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

15 Responses to “Alternative Jokes For Brad Ausmus’s Next Open Mic Night”

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  1. Wobatus says:

    I had a professor in college, when I mentioned The Honeymooners, he said “How can you watch that? These people live in utter poverty, with barely a stick of furniture; what little money they have the husband wastes on get-rich-quick schemes. The threat of physical violence is constant.” Bang, zoom.

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  2. HH says:

    Wait a minute! Donald Sterling hires lots of black people!

    …is that the joke? Did I get it? Did I win?

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  3. Some More Alternative Jokes says:

    “I go through Detroit and burn down abandoned houses.”
    “I rob banks.”
    “I have an eating disorder.”
    “I yell racial slurs at my white neighbors.”
    “I eat a whole tub of gelato and cry while watching The Notebook.”
    “I beat my children.”

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  4. Resolution says:

    “I’m currently homeless. Next question”

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  5. Embiggens Papiamentu says:

    “I hit something. Not that I’m good at hitting anything.”

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  6. Brad Ausmus says:

    “I hit on Cole Hamels…No homo.”

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  7. AlexandertheMeh says:

    Wait. What?!?!? I thought I was the only one that talks to Kali online. How many of us are out there? Granted, she does have to deal with monumental amounts of disappointment.

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  8. AC of DC says:

    I suppose one of the nice features of the Internet Generation is that a shitty joke that wasn’t funny in the first place — like the suggestion that Ralph is actually threatening Alice with physical violence (’cause that’s what poor people do, ha ha!) — can be recycled endlessly because each member of the audience has the attention span of a gnat.

    I guess once you’ve gone through history and declared every single thing produced to be “omg the totally most racis’ thing ever,” you’ve got to keep the clueless jokes flowing lest the crowd realize that your craft beer pairing party is fairly stupid.

    Also, the inane and intrusive question was phrased: “How are you when you go home?” to which the spouse-related response is: “Ask your wife.”

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  9. “Very Carefully”

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  10. IndyMets says:

    Dallas Green actually said this same thing to reporters years ago while coaching a horrible Mets team in the 90s

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    • Wobatus says:

      Yup. Ausmus could have said I go home and beat Dallas Green’s wife. Bobby Cox did go home and beat his wife.

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  11. Mrs Ausmus says:

    “He wishes! That boy can’t beat an egg.”

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  12. Jenstrom says:

    Nice Cistulli dig. But the counselling can go both ways.

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