An Insurance Salesman Pitches Some Great New Products to Max Scherzer


Hey, Max. Yahoo Sports reports that you took out an insurance policy to cover lost earnings in case you don’t end up with a contract offer as big as the $144 million you turned down from the Tigers.

Here at Podunk Insurance, we were very excited to hear about it.

Because it sounds like you’re the kind of pragmatic, risk-averse individual who values quality insurance, to cover all of your potential calamities.

You may be covered for lost earnings… but are you covered in the case of a giant meteor attack?

Major League Baseball is going to have a tough time continuing if the Earth’s atmosphere is blackened with soot. Worried about the Tampa Bay Rays? I’d be more worried about the sun’s Rays, and how they’re not going to be able to get through, to warm your body and fuel the growth of the food you need to compete. And what’s the (David) Price of a policy to cover such a catastrophe? Well, let’s not talk about cost just yet…

Because you may be able to bundle the meteor insurance with another product we’re very excited about. You’ve heard of robots, right? They already have robotic arms that can throw baseballs. We’re not that far away from a robot taking your job, or possibly eating your family.

So you’ll need coverage for that, too.

And what if you decide to freeze your sperm, and the clinic loses it? We have sperm insurance. It’s very important. You never know when you’ll need it.

And how about a fan in the stands throwing ice cream at you? Ice cream insurance. I’ll add it to the list.

I assume you already have car insurance, but did you see the Transformers movie? What if your car turns into something else? Do you have insurance for that? Speaking of movies, you need Godzilla insurance too.

How are you going to pay for all of this insurance? Someone did offer you $144 million, didn’t they? I think they did. So you should probably take that deal, since insurance can be very expensive.

Good luck the rest of the way. Especially if the meteor hits.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

15 Responses to “An Insurance Salesman Pitches Some Great New Products to Max Scherzer”

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  1. Jon Saunders says:

    please defend this post. it’s the least funny thing I’ve ever written. Are you trying to be barstool? the onion? deadspin? because this isn’t just less funny than those sites, it makes NO SENSE AT ALL. making fun of an insurance policy? didn’t you go to law school?

    this post, nay this website, is the most offensively unfunny thing I, or any of my friends, has ever witnessed on the internet. please state your case.

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    • henk says:

      Yeah honestly, this was pretty rough.
      Shortened version of this article: “Here are some things you don’t actually need insurance for: meteors, robots, sperm, ice cream, transformers, godzilla.” Basically just as good.

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    • cass says:

      “it’s the least funny thing I’ve ever written”


      +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Not Ed Wade says:

      I think it’s a completely rational reaction to not find this piece funny. But the reasoning behind your gripe is questionable.

      I get it, people are hardwired to label. It makes the world easier to digest. But what Notgraphs excels at is avoiding the trap of trying to be an ersatz version of something else–barstool, Onion, etc. If I wanted to read the Onion for sports, I’d just read Onion Sports. That Notgraphs can’t be succinctly labeled like that shouldn’t be an immediate mark against it.

      Second, what makes no sense here? Blachmann is implicitly saying that the cost of this sort of exotic insurance product is likely to be really high, that the policy is of questionable value, or some combination of the two. Is it really *that* much of a logical leap to imply that? If you wanted to say–we don’t know the details of this contract and there is a lot of misinformation about them in public discourse, let’s withhold judgment until we know more…Ok. But you’re displeased that someone would make fun of being overinsured? Being overinsured can actually be really foolish in certain situations. I’m sure someone with legal training, or anyone who lives in the world, recognizes that.

      Third, there was nothing offensively unfunny about this. It was just unfunny. There was nothing offensive to it.

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      • Not Ed Wade says:

        Damn. 10 minutes I’ll never get back. You win.

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        • cass says:

          Thing is, when I see a NG I don’t like or don’t think is funny, I just don’t comment. Easy enough.

          What would possess someone to write a poorly written and error-filled diatribe with hilariously random capitalization in response to something that wasn’t funny enough for them, I just don’t know.

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      • Tim says:

        It is kind of a cut-rate Batgirl, but since Batgirl hasn’t been around in quite a few years now I find that acceptable.

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    • Fred says:

      This post may not be funny, but it has profound implications for the insurance market: like insurance you don’t actually need, real insurance is prohibitively expensive and must achieve lower rates to maintain business.

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  2. Jon Saunders says:

    *ever seen, not ever written.

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  3. Chaco Chicken says:

    I’m pretty sure Carlos Gonzalez was struck in the hand by a tiny, tiny meteorite. Meteorite strikes are all too common.

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  4. Anonymous says:

    Well, thanks for that awesome pic at the top of this article. I’ll have so much more time for activities now that I’ll never be able to sleep again.

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  5. For posterity’s sake, please note: this was the 5,000th post on NotGraphs.

    Not including the amoral Dayn Perry filth that was removed by administrator, of course.

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