Andrew Bailey: I Don’t Give A [Expletive]

Red Sox reliever Andrew Bailey, quoted at

“I don’t give a [expletive], frankly. I just want to play and get to the playoffs,” Bailey said. “Whatever role they see fit, that’s what I’m going to do. If it’s setting up, if it’s doing whatever, that’s fine by me and we’ll address it next spring.”

But that’s only the beginning. Here at NotGraphs, we’ve been able to get our hands on the rest of Bailey’s interview:

Wait a minute. I said all that [expletive] because I assumed the Sox were still in playoff contention. You’re telling me we’re in fourth [expletive] place, ten [expletive] games out? What the [expletive]? I know I said I didn’t care if I was the [expletive] closer, but [expletive]! [Expletive] [expletive] [expletive]! If we’re not even going to make the [expletive] playoffs, it’s a little [expletive] ridiculous for me to take a [expletive] bullet for this [expletive] organization and agree to do whatever the [expletive] they want. I want a [expletive] multiyear contract at the end of this [expletive] season, not a [expletive] minor league [expletive] invite after I throw fifteen [expletive] mop-up innings and don’t [expletive] show anyone that I can still [expletive] pitch. They don’t even show me the [expletive] standings over in [expletive] rehab. They let all of us [expletive] think we’re [expletive] rolling to a division title and now you [expletive] tell me we’re one [expletive] spot from last [expletive] place? The [expletive] Blue Jays are a half game below us? The [expletive] Orioles are three and a half games ahead of us? The [expletive] Orioles? [expletive]! This whole [expletive] [expletive] is crazy, man. Of course I want to [expletive] close. I need [expletive] counting stats. I need to get the [expletive] out of here. [Expletive]. I don’t know what the [expletive] I was talking about. I have to call my [expletive] agent.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

5 Responses to “Andrew Bailey: I Don’t Give A [Expletive]”

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  1. John says:

    I feel bad for the guy. He’s had a long year personally.

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    • BX says:

      In all seriousness, same.

      Once he’s off the DL, he’s immediately going to be expected to outright dominate, due to how underwhelming the Sox season has been and the trade that brought him to Boston, both of which are through no fault of his.

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  2. Kyle says:

    This was [expletive] awesome and hilarious.

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  3. RA Rowe says:


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  4. BX says:

    [expletive]ing awesome.

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