Ask Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D.

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Health can be confusing! Sometimes you feel healthy when you’re actually not, and other times you don’t feel healthy and your body actually is but your brain is betraying you by saying it isn’t. Even though your brain is part of your body, which makes it even more confusing. And that’s not even including the pineal gland, which houses our soul and regulates our sleep patterns. I mean, yikes, right? That’s why I, Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D., am here to answer your questions about healthiness.

Q: I’m a college pitcher, and after my last start my arm was feeling sore. What should I do? Do I just wait, or is there a way to speed up the healing process?

A: Pain is jut your body telling you that it’s disappointed in you. The key to overcoming pain is to repeat the motion that caused the pain, and doing it harder, and more suddenly than you did before. This stretches out the muscle cells and allows life-giving aether to enter the nuclei. This makes them stretchier, which in turn lets you throw harder and more suddenly than you could before. It’s like a cycle of success!

Q: My coach tells me I need to get in shape, but I can’t afford a gym membership. Running on pavement hurts my shins, but I’m afraid if I run in grass I’ll slip and hurt myself. What do I do?

A: Stop running! Running is just teaching your body that it’s okay to flee from your problems. You need to make yourself into a brick wall, so that life’s problems bounce off of you like raindrops. If you have a friend with a T-shirt cannon, have him fire T-shirts at your body over and over until you toughen up. If you don’t have a T-shirt cannon, blindfold yourself and ask a tween to punch you in random places. Don’t forget to wear a cup.

Q: As a minor leaguer with poor union representation, how do I ensure that the supplements I use are legal by MLB rules?

A: Let me ask you a question. Is what you’re eating an egg? If the answer is yes, then you’ve got nothing to worry about. If you aren’t eating an egg, you’re missing out on nature’s natural health supplement. Eggs contain cholesterol, which binds with itself to form actual muscle fibers, and whites, which contain some of the water you and I need to live! They’re really easy to carry around, too.

Q: Does it help a bruise when you rub dirt on it?

A: Bruises are actually burns caused by the red blood cells that rush to a part of your body when it gets hit hard enough. That’s why your skin looks so red, or even purple if the burn is hot enough. Dirt, which is actually the decomposed meat of earthworms, is a natural source of menthol. Science is really incredible when you think about it!

Do you have your own questions for me, Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D.? Send them to the NotGraphs Hotline today!




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Patrick Dubuque writes for NotGraphs and The Hardball Times, and he served as former Bill Spaceman Lee Visiting Professor for Baseball Exploration at Pitchers & Poets. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.


9 Responses to “Ask Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D.”

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  1. capnsparrow says:

    This is without a doubt the greatest article EVAR !!!1!

    It’s BRILLIANT and it truly is Dokter Williams at his best!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Pat says:

    Can you give him an additional suffix, Dr. Mitch Williams, M.D, W.T.?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    Dr Williams, I think I torn my hamstring when I jumped up in celebration after hitting a series/game winning home run in the world series. What can I do to heal it?
    J. Carter

    Go to hell.

    Dr Williams, I have an irrational fear of watching a guy pitch. I keep putting my head in a towel on national TV. What can I do?
    C. Schlling

    Drama Queen.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. David Wiers says:

    An uninitiated reader would laugh at the thought of the author being struck by a T-shirt, however there are certain anonymous sources that have seen said author be struck with a T-shirt, and receive the T-shirt and all of its velocity without flinching.

    Of course, the author was struck with a T-shirt thrown by hand from what one could reasonably assume to be a 15-year old child, as opposed to a T-shirt cannon.

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  5. “The key to overcoming pain is to repeat the motion that caused the pain, and doing it harder, and more suddenly than you did before.”

    — The Dubuque family maxim.

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  6. Danny Knobgobbler says:

    Dr. Williams,

    Have you diagnosed the cause of your own syptom, namely a bad case of bobblehead when speaking on camera in the MLB Network studio? Word on Internet St. is that you either have a degenerative disease or you need to check into Betty Ford.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Antonio Bananas says:

      Too bad this isn’t true. He’s a fucking idiot and makes the people I talk baseball with dumber with his asinine opinions.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Nathan says:

    Please make this a regular feature.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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