Ask NotGraphs (#??)

Dear NotGraphs,

I am not the GM of a major league baseball team, but if I was, would now be the perfect opportunity to buy low on Ryan Braun?

Thank you,

Paul

Paul,

I don’t know. Chad would probably say yes, based on what he told Ottoneu owners earlier this week, but I think there’s a more fundamental set of questions to ask about your hypothetical. How did you become the GM of a major league baseball team? Who did you replace, and how? And if you became a GM through nefarious means, should you be spending your time attempting to trade for Ryan Braun, or instead trying to cover your tracks and ensure you have a foolproof alibi.

For instance, did you club Brian Cashman over the head after you heard that he was trying to trade for 96-year-old Alfonso Soriano, and then wear his face as a mask on top of your own, fooling the world (and your fellow general managers) into thinking you were him? If you did do that, then I think this would probably be a great time to buy Ryan Braun, since the Yankees need some players who won’t be either suspended or Medicare-eligible in 2014. Of course, there would be no need to buy low, since the Yankees can afford to buy high.

Or did you pass Dayton Moore the same sleeping pill he has passed to the owners of the Royals, and quietly sneak into his office and take the seat at his desk? If so, I also think this would be a great time to trade for Ryan Braun, except that you probably won’t be permitted to take on his salary. Oh well. You tried. Maybe you can just build a farm system and eventually have a winning record in 11 or 12 years.

See, it’s very complicated. Also, why would the Brewers bother to sell low, since they’re not going anywhere this season anyway? I don’t expect there’s much reason for them to trade him. So I think you should probably spend your time as GM doing all sorts of other cool things, like helping more Cuban stars defect (actual question for readers: is Henry Urrutia keeper-worthy in an AL Scoresheet league? I’ve been offered him in a trade), or making waiver claims just for the heck of it.

Incidentally, if anyone else read this question and was wondering whether or not suspended players can be traded while suspended, initial Google results do not indicate a problem.

Good luck,
Jeremy

You can Ask NotGraphs too! If you have any questions, about baseball or otherwise, and want answers, about baseball or otherwise, feel free to send them my way.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

5 Responses to “Ask NotGraphs (#??)”

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  1. Steve says:

    Judging by the amount of comments this all too often recurring feature receives, might be time to find some other topics to write about.

    Sin,

    Fangraphs readers.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Resolution says:

    Sleeping Pills (and if Arrested Development has taught us anything, Forget-Me-Nows) can pretty much solve anything.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Triple R says:

    As an O’s fan, I’d advise not to keep Hank. He’s still pretty raw–after all, he only played 67 minor league games before coming up. Yes, he batted .365 in the minors, but that was with a BABIP north of .400, which is obviously not going to carry over to the majors. He’s your typical inexperienced, swing-at-everything-within-50-feet-of-the-plate young guy. He may be serviceable a few years down, but for now I’d stay away.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. ple R says:

    He’s your typical inexperienced, swing-at-everything-within-50-feet-of-the-plate young guy. He may be serviceable a few years down, but for now I’d stay away.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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