Ask NotGraphs (#12)

Dear NotGraphs,

Diehard Chicago White Sox fan here. I met this hottie at a college party last semester – we’ll call her Amanda. Amanda seemed like a nice enough girl at first. We hooked up, went on a few dates and before long, we officially became a couple. Everything seemed to be going well, that is, until I found out Amanda had a dirty little secret. She was a Cubs fan.

Not only was she a Cubs fan – she was the kind of Cubs fan who didn’t know anything about the team (other than they had a “hot” second baseman). I know my family and friends would never approve of our inter-franchise relationship. I’ve managed to hide her problem from the guys for now, but baseball season is about to start and I can’t keep dancing around the issue. What should I do?

Thanks,
Pale Hosed

Dear Hosed,

“[S]he was the kind of Cubs fan who didn’t know anything about the team.”

Guess what? SHE’S NOT A CUBS FAN. She’s not a fan at all. If all it takes is a “hot” second baseman to gain her allegiance, you just need to find some “hot” White Sox player (or do a little Photoshop– like she’ll ever figure out that Adam Dunn doesn’t actually look ‘just like George Clooney’?) and there you go.

Non-fans who think they’re fans need support and reassurance that it’s okay to make the switch. See, they don’t really care about the team they’re claiming to root for. If they really cared, they would know something about the team, they would watch the games, they would have some actual interest. Getting a non-fan to change allegiances is far easier than turning someone who has some emotional investment. She needs reasons to love the Sox, whatever they are. She needs stories from your childhood about that first Sox game you saw, when you caught that foul ball, and your grandfather bought you a hot dog, and you pledged at that moment you would always root for Ron Kittle and Lamarr Hoyt. She needs to know all about the tremendous charitable work done by John Danks and Gavin Floyd. Do they really do charitable work? I have no idea. But you can make up stories. Tug at the heartstrings. Tell her Paul Konerko’s dog is sick, and needs more Sox fans to root for his recovery. I don’t know. Be creative. Take her to a game. Convince her A.J. Pierzynski is winking at her. Make her feel special. Make her feel like the Sox are special. And before you know it, she’s all about their “hot” designated hitter and who cares about the Cubs second baseman? (Darwin Barney, right? Your girlfriend has a crush on Darwin Barney? I guess he’s OK, but he’s obviously no Adam Dunn. Commenters, vote in the comments and we’ll see who wins– Adam Dunn or Darwin Barney. This kind of thing is what NotGraphs is for, right?)

HOT OR NOT?

VS.

Good luck,
Jeremy

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


17 Responses to “Ask NotGraphs (#12)”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Thing that worked for me: get her seats right along the line behind first base so that as White Sox players reach base, she can decide which of them has the tightest hindquarters, and become a fan of him.

    Thus why Ms. Beered is inordinately interested in Justin Ruggiano’s career trajectory.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. nubilly baroo?! says:

    He ain’t called the Big Donkey for nuthin’

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Resolution says:

    Is there any competition that Adam Dunn isn’t a clear winner in?

    I submit ‘no’ as the answer.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. TheGrandslamwich says:

    Dunn in a landslide!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. tylersnotes says:

    i never noticed before this picture but adam dunn kind of has elf ears

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Mike says:

    God Dunn is so goofy looking. I have to say she’s probably better off rooting for the Cubs than Sox. Idk why anyone is a fan of either team.

    – love a Mets fan

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Dara says:

    Okay I am SO AMBIVALENT about this tactic. I mean, I approve, insofar as when one person in a relationship isn’t a real fan–we’ll call her a “fluffy fan”–there’s no reason for her to root for the other’s rival. But I feel like the bigger problem here is the girlfriend being a fluffy fan to begin with? Just because I hate it when women prove Rob Dibble and Joe Simpson etc. etc. etc. right about why women like baseball…

    Which leads me to the inevitable conclusion that this is what that Baseball Boyfriend app is good for (and WOW did I never think I would write that sentence). Let her pick Darwin Barney, and see for herself that his, erm, virility leaves something to be desired. Then magnanimously offer to lend her Adam Dunn if she wants to upgrade her “boyfriend” and her fandom. Hopefully, she’ll end up getting to at least a minimal level of baseball literacy that won’t put her in a position to get mocked by some a-hole color commentator.

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  8. Seitz says:

    she was the kind of Cubs fan who didn’t know anything about the team

    I’m pretty sure the second part of this phrase is redundant.

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  9. Nathan says:

    Adam Dunn’s hat is struggling. Perpetually.

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  10. hidengoseke says:

    would anyone want aj pierzynski to wink at them?

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  11. CurtisStarkeyFan4Life says:

    Take her to a sox game and buy her one of those corn-on-the-cob dishes that they slice up, cover in mayo, butter, and pepper flakes and serve to all the minorities.

    Also, Darwin Barney.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. JLuman says:

    Long contended that Adam Dunn is the ugliest man in baseball.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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