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Ask NotGraphs (#33)

Posted By Jeremy Blachman On January 31, 2013 @ 12:39 pm In Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dear Abby,

I’m sick of this ridiculous baseball offseason. Can we just invent time travel already so that we can skip this whole ordeal??

Eager Man in Eagan, MN

Eager in Minnesota,

Are you writing from the past? You do realize time travel has already been invented, don’t you? As I type this post, here in the year 2263, I’m confused by your question. There’s nothing ridiculous about the 2012-13 offseason — sure, the Marlins traded away their whole team again, the Hall of Fame began its 250-year streak of not inducting any new players, and A-Rod destroyed whatever legacy he had left (and had a barbaric surgery performed on him — I can’t believe they were still using scalpels and forceps back in your day!). But compared to the offseasons to come, 2012-13 was nothing. I mean, I can still remember 2034, Jamie Moyer signing his last multi-year deal, for over a billion Yen… The Mike Trouts, coming off their 8th straight Galactic Series crown, deciding to clone six more Mini-Trouts… and trying to avoid the Science Tax while doing it! What else… 2058 and the Antarctica Division having to cancel the whole season because all of the ice was gone… 2077 and Roger Clemens’s final comeback, pitching three straight shutouts in winter ball. And you think the Marlins have done too much this time? Just wait until 2144 when they’re finally able to train actual Marlins to take the field — and they get paid entirely in smaller fish!

So, wait, what was your question again? Time travel, yeah… uh, just go to Camden Yards, find a quiet spot in the upper deck somewhere, look to the sky, and I’ll zap you a few months forward. That sound like a plan?

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