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Ask NotGraphs (#7)

Dearest NotGraphs,

I play the overlapping fantasy sports of hockey and baseball. I have also recently acquired a girlfriend. I am happy with my girlfriend, but I am not happy when I forget to set my lineups in hockey and miss out on stats. I am also slow drafting in multiple leagues for baseball, and girlfriend time is heavily affecting my ability to participate effectively in these drafts. Once the baseball season actually starts, this girlfriend will be a monumental problem for my fantasy sports teams’ performance.

Have you any solutions, or even suggestions?

Thank you,
Guy with a Girlfriend

Dear Guy,

1. Who did you trade to acquire the girlfriend?

2. I’ve never understood the appeal of slow-drafting leagues. I suppose the appeal, in theory, is that since the draft is the most enjoyable part of the fantasy season, extending that joy over a longer period of time is a good thing, but, for me, a decent comparison is perhaps a delicious meal. I want the delicious meal to last for a couple of hours. I don’t want the delicious meal to last for a couple of weeks, with a day and a half between courses. It gets boring. It starts to feel like work. It makes me want to leave the restaurant and go do something else.

3. How many leagues are you in? Seventy? Setting a lineup takes ten minutes, max. I set lineups on my honeymoon from a hotel computer that was ten years old and had dial-up Internet. If you’re forgetting to set your lineups, what kind of advice can I possibly give you? Set an alarm? Do it when your girlfriend is in the bathroom?

4. I asked my wife for some help with this. “How old is he, twelve?” she asked. “I don’t think he really wants a girlfriend.” Are you like the dude from the column six weeks ago who was keeping his fantasy teams a secret from his girlfriend and didn’t want her to know about his addiction? Assuming your girlfriend is a human being*, TALK TO HER. Tell her you have a stupid problem, you know it’s stupid, but you have these fantasy teams, and they bring you enjoyment over the course of the season, but you need a few minutes every day to deal with them. Like a Tamagotchi, I think, although I never had one. Like Farmville, maybe? Oh, no– is fantasy baseball like Farmville? Are we all just deluding ourselves into thinking this is something worth spending time on when in fact, to anyone who doesn’t play fantasy baseball, it’s as stupid as those games people keep trying to send me Facebook updates about?

*If your girlfriend is not a human being, please see next week’s question.

Good luck,

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