Atlanta Braves Sign, Immediately Extend Two-Month-Old Baby

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ATLANTA — In a move that was both surprising, yet right in line with recent activity, the Atlanta Braves have signed Colton Jackson, a baby, to a 29-year contract extension. Jackson was signed to his initial contract by the Braves a mere month and half prior, forty eight days after his birth.

“We are excited to continue our tradition of committing to our promising young talent,” said Braves general manager Frank Wren. “Colton here has shown a lot of potential in these last two months. He’s been very responsive to our jiggling of keys, and has really upped his performance in peekaboo. We like his makeup, and with some time we feel his fingers won’t look so weird. All in all, it’s a great day for the Atlanta Braves organization.”

Wren said that the signing of Jackson, along with the recent extensions of Freddie Freeman, Andrelton Simmons, Julio Tehran, and Craig Kimbrel will help solidify who the Braves are for many years to come. He would not comment on the rumors that the team is in talks to gain exclusive signing rights to Freeman’s first born son, but the so-called “sperm retainer” has been discussed heavily within the front office, sources say.

“I’m excited to see Colton take his position around 2044,” Wren said. “We should be in our fifth or sixth new stadium by then.”




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


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Great Bay
Guest
Great Bay
2 years 5 months ago

Nice little player. Very promising future. Good signing overall. Language barrier could be an issue initially, but definitely worth keeping tabs on as he develops.

Sociology Degreer
Guest
Sociology Degreer
2 years 5 months ago

Yeah, but I’m still worried about his running game.

overlookhotel
Member
overlookhotel
2 years 5 months ago

His walk rates don’t impress, either.

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 5 months ago

What’s in his formula anyways? Those bulging forearm didn’t come from squeezing grapefruits.

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 5 months ago

Ack, forearms.

Ryan Braun
Guest
Ryan Braun
2 years 5 months ago

Must have a good PEDiatrician

That guy
Guest
That guy
2 years 5 months ago

He’s on the juice!

Mackel
Guest
Mackel
2 years 5 months ago

Ah now I know why they call them the Braves. That was so brave of them

DerekJeterGiftBasket
Guest
DerekJeterGiftBasket
2 years 5 months ago

Less chance of pooping his pants than B.J. Upton.

RC
Guest
RC
2 years 5 months ago

Lacks maturity. Tendency to fall asleep on the job. Needs to learn to “act like he’s been there”.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
2 years 5 months ago

Neither of his parents carry himself well, either.

Nelson Cruz
Guest
Nelson Cruz
2 years 5 months ago

Hey, why does he get a 29 year deal while I only got 1 year? Seems like he’s being rewarded for juicing but i’m not.

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