Author Archive

Cleveland Circus Act

Oh, Cleveland. You are fighting for a wild card spot. Even though you have been working your hardest to secure one of the two spots, you continue to provide fan entertainment.

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Josh Hamilton Can’t See the Big Picture

Com’on Josh Hamilton. Too much caffeine from energy drinks caused your blurry vision that kept you out of 5 games last week. While you were gone, your team went 3-2 and let Oakland stay within reach of the division title.

To heck with the Rangers, how about my fantasy baseball team? Don’t you know owners are battling it out in H2H finals right now. I missed you for five freaking games. My team was already thin in the outfield with Nick Markakis, Michael Cuddyer and Jose Bautista all out. I had to play John Mayberry in your place. It is not like I am going to just pick up a respectable outfielder on the waiver wire in a 20 team league. How did my replacement do in the 5 games you were nursing your dried out corneas? He went 4-19 with one freaking run scored.

What did I lose HR by?
4 to 5.

28 to 31.

22 to 24

Just a decent game or two from you and I could of won. And because why? Because you needed to get Amped up to be a Rockstar or Monster during a game. Don’t you know nerds across this country are counting on you so they can belittle their nerds friends for a year. Get it together. Next time you need a fourth 32 oz Monster Heavy Metal, maybe you should go with a soothing cup of herbal tea.

Baseball and Sharp Objects

Nothing screams summer like playing a nice game of simulated baseball with a the “Official Jackmster Baseball Knife”.

Who needs to carry around a complete Strat-o-matic game when the game can be stored in that cool little watch pocket on your jeans. It can played outside and inside (until mom finds out). Best of all, the winner can take home one of the loser’s favorite “Home Run” razor blades.

C3PO – Golden Slugger

Even Eckstein thinks C3PO uses a small bat.

It’s Our Time for a David Baldacci Novel

Nothing says baseball like David Baldacci’s novel, Zero Day.

I can’t give the book its needed credit, so here is the description from

John Puller is a combat veteran and the best military investigator in the U.S. Army’s Criminal Investigation Division. His father was an Army fighting legend, and his brother is serving a life sentence for treason in a federal military prison. Puller has an indomitable spirit and an unstoppable drive to find the truth. 

Now, Puller is called out on a case in a remote, rural area in West Virginia coal country far from any military outpost. Someone has stumbled onto a brutal crime scene, a family slaughtered. The local homicide detective, a headstrong woman with personal demons of her own, joins forces with Puller in the investigation. As Puller digs through deception after deception, he realizes that absolutely nothing he’s seen in this small town, and no one in it, are what they seem. Facing a potential conspiracy that reaches far beyond the hills of West Virginia, he is one man on the hunt for justice against an overwhelming force.

It is 448 pages of heart pounding action for the baseball fan, especially if you are at Kauffman Stadium watching the Royals lose their 11th in a row.

(h/t to focs at Royals Review and the NSFW version)

George Brett Poops Himself

This past weekend at the FanGraphs gathering in Phoenix, Mr. Carson Cistulli stated that he had never seen the George Brett-poops-himself video. I couln’t believe it, so I decided to hook him up. In case some of our other readers have also been deprived of this video, “enjoy.”

[Ed. Note: contains a wide and winning variety of explicit language.]

Original Version

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1971 Sports Illustrated Ads

This summer I picked up some 1971 Sports Illustrateds at a garage sale. After meticulously reading the issues while in the john, here are some of the ads I found intriguing.

Because cleats work better when they are sticking into your foot.

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Superheroes: “A”lex “G”ordon

While in the minors, Mike Moustakas and Eric Hosmer had heard rumors of the exploits of the last great Royals prospect, Alex Gordon. They figured they needed to find a way to honor him. With the help of Edna Mode, they finally reveled their inspired costumes to Gordon. He was without words.

Or the outfits could have had an entirely different meaning.

Pole-n-Kuntz’s 2011 All Porn-Name Team

Dick Pole and Rusty Kuntz just came out with their position by position rankings of players with the best porn names from the 2011 season. The competition was especially tough in the outfield and among pitchers.

C: Dusty Brown
1B: Justin Smoak
2B: Nick Punto
SS: J.J. Hardy
3B: Justin Turner
LF: Lance Berkman
CF: Drew Stubbs
RF: Willie Harris

Starting Pitchers:
Phil Hughes
Doug Fister
R.A. Dickey
Josh Johnson
Chien-Ming Wang

Relief Pitchers:
Nathan Adcock
Charlie Furbush
John Danks
Kameron Loe
The Wood Brothers Triple Teamers (Kerry, Travis and Blake)

Francoeur Denies Taylor Second Hit

Jeff Francoeur throws out Michael Taylor at first base from right field.

Your second major league hit was denied by getting thrown out by the right fielder. Yea… that sucks. I bet he remembers that one for a while. At least it wasn’t going to be his first major league hit.