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Comparing Mariners to Game of Thrones Characters

Baseball is Coming

Did you know the best show on television, Game of Thrones, returns to our humble screens this Sunday? Did you also know that baseball premiered on our televisions in earnest last Sunday? It’s impossible that these events are a mere coincidence, so I’ve done the lord’s work by taking the next step and comparing members of the Seattle Mariners to our fictional friends in Westeros.

Jack Z is King Joffrey
The man in charge, whom most would like to see dethroned.

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Nerds Take Over Safeco: An Investigative Report

Nerds shall inherit the earth. But first, Safeco Field.

Saturday was the somewhat-annual USS Mariner and Lookout Landing trip to Safeco to watch the Mariners, and I was in attendance. Needless to say, when a bunch of us nerds get together, things are going to get weird. With that in mind, here’s some things of note about Nerds at a Baseball Game, 2012.

• Even though it was a group of nerds, I was the only one wearing a FanGraphs t-shirt. I mean, I know it’s a Mariners game and people want to show their team spirit, but some teams are more important.

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Alternative Uses for $162 Million

The Mets’ ownership recently settled the infamous Bernie Madoff-related lawsuit for a reported $162 million. That money could have gone to much better uses, such as charities; or, better yet, the items listed below:

• 3.6 million: clipboards made of body armor.

• 1.62 million: buckets of baseballs

• 269,550: shares of Apple, Inc.

• 27,000: of these $6,000 toilets that include a touchscreen remote control and feet warmer.

• 6.37: seasons of Albert Pujols.

• 3.14159265: Cistullis.

• 1: episode’s worth of FCC fines accrued by Dayn Perry on FanGraphs Audio.

Oh, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Baseball Rules the Universe

According to the above photo, baseball has officially taken over the entire universe today. While MLB has yet to release a PR statement, there is all kinds of talk floating around Dallas speculating what this will mean for us, the people of Earth.

• Everyone will be drafted; not for the army, but by potential employers. For the next six years, you will work for pennies on the dollar compared to what you’re worth (unless you’re a top-250 pick), but then you’ll get to explore the market for your services. Some call it indentured servitude, but I call it progress.

• You will not be in line for a promotion if the rest of your team sucks. Guilt by association. In a few years, this sentiment will eventually go away, but until then, get used to not being praised for your accomplishments.

• All things in life will now have a three-strikes, four-balls system. If you do well on four work projects, you will receive an automatic bonus. If you screw up three times, you’re fired. No if, ands, or buts.

• Just like baseball’s three-outs systems, once you get fired from three different jobs, you are no longer allowed to work for the next two years. You will be forced to find a Sugar Momma or Daddy to support yourself, as life is now out of your hands.

I, for one, welcome our new baseball overlords and their maverick policies.

Buster Posey Squats, Becomes Superhuman

Ed. note: readers be advised: you are about to learn at least six new euphemisms for going to the bathroom.

Ask not what you can do for your toilet, but what your toilet can do for you.

As part of his rehabilitation program, Giants’ catcher Buster Posey has been doing squats. Assumably, these are squats of the weight-lifting variety, but one never knows about these things.

If Backstop Buster decided he wanted to do some extra work while away from the trainer, he should simply choose to sit down when he pees. Normally we danglers stay upright when voiding our bladders, opting to perch ourselves upon the porcelain only when absolutely necessary, but maybe that’s just because we are ugly American’s who despise anything that could be construed as exercise.

Think about it, America. Getting off the throne is a good exercise for your knees and does, in fact, put pressure on your ankles. Posey may be called a pansy in the clubhouse, but he’ll have the last laugh when he can leap a tall building in a single bound.*

I have no knowledge of Backstop Buster’s diet, but I think it’s safe to assume that he isn’t dropping a deuce more than once a day. If this is indeed the case, sitting down while visiting the Tinkle Fairy will help him work out his damaged ankle and become nearly superhuman in the process.

*Claims made in this article are subject to scientific testing and common sense.