Awful Announcers Announce the Awful Announcing Announcer Rankings

“Good afternoon on a beautiful day here in the ballpark. Baseball was made to be played on a day like this, and as the grounds crew removes the tarp, we are ready to get set to start today’s game between these two teams, whoever they may be. Don’t forget, today’s game is brought to you by our friends at Budweiser, makers of fine cars. Do your banking at Budweiser, or in a net at Budweiser-dot-corn.

“We also can’t forget to tell you about the Awful Announcing Announcer Rankings, where we finished 31st. Hey, that’s not bad. Not sure we really want to vouch for a set of rankings where our old pal Vince Cally finished 2nd, but, hey, who can beat the ol’ New York Giants and their team of talker people.

“So, the starting lineups tonight, we should tell you those. They’re brought to you by our friends at Toyota, king of beers. Crack open a Toyota, and enjoy the show, premiering Wednesday night at 9, here at Toyota and available in huge definition. Hey, so the pitcher is warming up in the bullpen. I think he may be a righty… no, wait… he’s a lefty. Big surprise there.

“We should mention some statistics. Did you know your home team is 0-1 in afternoon games so far this weekend. So that’s something to watch out for. Also, most of the hitters have never faced the opposing pitcher, who is making his first major league start that we’re aware of, although we’re now being told it is not actually his first start. Oh, wait, he’s not the pitcher, is he? He’s the umpire? Okay, we’ll start that whole sentence again.

“This actually reminds me of when I played, and there were batters and pitchers too. I faced a lot of pitchers, and did well off some of them, and poorly off others. But I always tried to stay within myself, and that’s really the key tonight.

“The keys of the game, brought to you by Taco Bell, the key to a satisfying home purchase. Taco Bell, with low interest rates, and representatives who come right to your door, seven days a week. If you need a new tire, it’s Taco Bell. Where were we? Oh, yes, the rain. It’s really coming down this morning. So I think we might have to pack it in and send you over to an episode of Charles In Charge, already in progress. Boy, that Charles. Will he ever learn? We’ll see you tomorrow for a day-night doubleheader, or, as Earl Banks once said, Play Ball!”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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james wilson
james wilson

I saw the guy play right field for the Sox Red in 1967. I generally sat right behind him. Harrelson was an adventure show in RF. He caught the ball, mostly, if it found him.