I know, I know. We skipped the review on Friday, but when undead Satchel Paige has something important to say, you let him say it. That’s just one of life’s great aphorisms, one of the few not actually coined by Ol’ Satch himself.
But today? Today I’m sorry to say I’m back in the game of reviewing and recapping Back in the Game. And last week’s episode might be a game changer, people.
Danny’s still trying to get Vanessa to notice him, and following The Cannon’s advice, decides to become a bad boy. This involves him putting on a Metallica t-shirt, a knit cap, and a wallet chain, and saying things like, “Where’s your little boyfriend? Don’t care,” and “Want me to talk to [your parents]? Straighten them out?” Naturally, because negging is hilarious and awesome coming from 10 year olds, it works. But Danny’s bitten off more than he can chew, when he sneaks out of the house and gets slapped down in front of his lady love by a badder boy than he is.
Meanwhile, with her job as a waitress at the pizza parlor turning out to be somehow even worse than being a car dealer, and a sink full of dirty dishes no one else will do, Terry is just plain stressed out. What would cure that, you ask? Girls’ night out! At the club, Terry and Lulu (wait, IMDB tells me her character’s name is Gigi. I could have sworn she was called Lulu in the episode, so that’s what I’m going with), apparently the only women in the establishment, have a bevy of attractive gentlemen suitors to dance with. Terry, though, has too much to drink and spends the latter part of the episode hurling in the ladies’ room. Perhaps trying to reclaim her lost 20s in one night was a poor idea for this single mom/pizza waitress.
In the end, everything goes back to normal. Danny and The Cannon agree to keep the house clean and Terry resolves to take baby steps toward reclaiming a normal social life. But…as the episode ends, Vanessa digs in against Danny for funsies, and wallops his first offering. Terry asks Vanessa if she’d like to play and Vanessa says….CLIFFHANGER! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Speaking of hanging, if you feel like you are strong enough to make it through this episode without wanting to take the coward’s way out, here it is below:
The Cannon’s Baseball Tips of the Week:
None. None at all.
References to real baseball:
Also none. It’s like they just stopped trying after weeks of just looking like they stopped trying.
References to fake baseball:
Blatantly ripping off Bull Durham (I’m sure they’d call it an homage) with the conference on the pitcher’s mound. The text of this exchange:
Rodney (fat kid): Time. What’s going on? You’re all over the place.
Danny: What the heck does she see in him?
Parvu (Indian kid): Can we hurry this along? I have cotillion in a half-hour.
Michael (gay kid):Tick-tock. What is the hold up?
Rodney: Danny’s got girl problems, and Parvu has got to go to cotillion, whatever that is.
Michael: Ballroom dancing for couples that resembles a quadrille. Do we have Vanessa on the noggin?
Danny: I mean seriously, what does David have that I don’t?
Michael: Well, he’s great at baseball, he’s got a great head of hair, one on his chest, and owns fifty limited-edition pairs of sneakers. <everyone else runs in from the outfield>
Dong: I dream I was royal baby.
The Twins: We have to poop!
Terry: Hey hey, guys, what’s going on.
Michael: Well, Danny’s upset about David and Vanessa, Parvu’s late for a cotillion, Dong thinks he’s the royal baby, and the Gingers have to poop.
Ginger Twins: We have to poop.
Danny: We are dealing with a lot of crap.
Terry: Enough! Take your positions and let’s finish this out like a team. Vince and Vance [the twins], lock it up.
Here’s the original for context:
So, you want to take a classic movie scene, make it less funny and include a poop joke? How much are we paying you again?
Age inappropriate things kids do and say:
A child slaps Terry in the face with a hot piece of pizza. (technically, that’s just terrible behavior for anyone at any age)
Life lessons learned through baseball:
Again, nothing. This week’s valuable lessons are learned outside of the context of baseball, though I suppose you could apply them to baseball. For instance, be who you are: you don’t want Juan Pierre trying to hit homers or Ryan Howard to lay down a sacrifice. Of course that same lesson could be gleaned from watching Major League 2, a shitty movie that is somehow better than this show.
Another terrible episode of terrible people treating each other terribly. It’s not at all clear why these people tolerate one another, even if they are related. James Caan continues to mumble half his lines incoherently, and his character works to undermine his daughter at every opportunity. It’s also a show that has no respect for the watcher. Now, if you’re actually watching this show because you enjoy it, well that disrespect is well earned. But even then, do you really need Lulu (Terry’s friend) to say “We’ll drink and dance, and then drink more because I love drinking,” to remind you she likes to party? That’s literally her only defining characteristic at this point. And if you see a child’s empty bedroom, with the window open, you probably can infer he snuck out, and don’t need The Cannon’s “Oh. Little twerp snuck out the window.” This show assumes you’re so stupid that you need constant reminders who everyone is, but that you’re smart enough to catch a reference to a 25 year old movie when they make it.
Gaaaaah! I’m having trouble keeping track of how many ways I hate this stupid show and I can’t tell you how eager I am for to get cancelled before any of the characters find even the slightest bit of happiness.