Banknotes Harper honored at Chicago Merchandise Mart

In 1953, American hero Joseph P. Kennedy commissioned the busts of eight captains of industry to be constructed outside the Chicago Merchandise Mart and worshiped as dollar-gods. On this day, a ninth marble bust was added — the bust of Banknotes Harper


Banknotes agreed to be honored only if his bust faced a different direction from the others. “That’s because I see arbitrage opportunities that other motherfuckers don’t. Those butt-smell losers are reading the financial pages, while I’m looking up skirts.”

Since his wishes were satisfied, Banknotes Harper himself was on hand for the ceremonial unveiling. “I’m here because nobody knows shit-hot business like I do,” Banknotes said to the assembled dignitaries and media. “I’m going to buy the Merchandise Mart and turn it into a big-ass computer, motherfuckers.”

At that point, Banknotes Harper laid a deep-rooted kiss on Queen Rania of Jordan, unleashed a thunderous air-guitar riff, booted Paul Volcker in the rascal basket and dived into the Chicago River.

“Later, slack-dicks,” he bellowed, as he swam toward shit-hot business.

Print This Post

Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

12 Responses to “Banknotes Harper honored at Chicago Merchandise Mart”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. Simon says:

    I feel like a 12-year-old would enjoy this post very much.

    -16 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Salty Treats says:

    I always wanted to be a catcher in the rye, saving MLB players from jumping off cliffs…er bridges.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Norm says:

    This is the best category of NotGraphs posts.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    I am not the least bit embarrassed to say that I check this site several times each day for Banknotes Harper stories, primarily driven by my enjoyment, but also driven by demands from Banknotes Harper, himself.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. MLB Rainmaker says:

    Dived? Dove? I’m confused….lead me Banknotes Harper…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. reillocity says:

    So was Banknotes Harper allowed to choose which cap he sports on his bust, or does the Merchandise Mart Hall of Fame handle that decision?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Chris K says:

    Some people think the city dyes the River green for St. Patrick’s day. It’s actually a coincidence – Banknotes orders it green for his annual ski-doo race against Emir Sabah IV Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah.

    “Best of Three?” the Emir asks. “Fuck no,” Banknotes replies, already boarding the Learjet 60 XR he won off the Emir betting on camel racing. Camel racing, after all, is just a business, and Banknotes Harper knows the shit out of business.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Eli says:

    But will Banknotes be honored at a Chicago Service Merchandise store?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>