Banknotes Harper Is Going to Have to Take This Call

Sorry, Bobo Polaroids or whatever your name is, but Brian Harper is going to have to take this call …

Buck Banknotes

It might be regarding the waterfront development project, or it might be regarding one of the countless opportunities for high-level arbitrage of which Brian Harper chronically avails himself. Just know that Brian Harper needs to talk business right the crap now. You can snap your little Donruss picture or whatever the hell this is all about later, but right now Brian Harper is seeing to the business of taking a business telephone call regarding the dollars.

“What do you think I should do?” Brian Harper is asking of his broker or minority partners. It’s a rhetorical query, of course. For Brian Harper knows exactly what the shit he’s going to do, and that’s because when the subject is U.S. American business, Banknotes Harper is the final word on the last word. “That’s what you think I should do?” says Banknotes. “Fuck you. Do the opposite.”

Banknotes Harper knows his way around a racket much like he knows his way around the sex closet at the American Airlines Admirals Club at … well, pick your hub airport of choice and Banknotes Harper knows his way around the sex closet at the American Airlines Admirals Club at that particular hub airport.

Baseball, you see, is but a revenue stream for Brian Harper. Buck Banknotes takes the money he makes from baseball and plows the shit right back into kick-ass interest-bearing vehicles that nobody even knows about yet. Maybe this call is about that. “Pay down the principal?” Brian Harper Buck Banknotes is wont to say. “I’m the principal, and I’m calling you to my office so as to beat your cheeks with a wooden paddle. Dollars.”

When not parking his Duesenberg in his heated garage, Lord God Cabbage Brian Harper is parking ducats in interest-bearing offshore accounts that no one even knows about yet — this is ground-level shit — and realizing boundless capital gains before the next call comes in. And the calls are always coming in. “Margin call?” Coin Skins Mazumah Brian Harper often says. “Call me back on my cutting-edge portable horn when your margins are sufficient to waste my time trying to talk treasure to the hairy treasure chest.”

Brian Harper would tell you it’s just going to be a moment, but it’s not going to be a moment. “Time is money?” Bread Property Doubloons Brian Harper says to you, even though you didn’t say “Time is money” to him.

Then he says something else about a pending stop-limit order, at which point you decide to go take Tim Laudner’s picture instead.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


29 Responses to “Banknotes Harper Is Going to Have to Take This Call”

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  1. Tony says:

    Dayn I think this is one of those posts that Mr. Cistulli is troubled by. Keep up the good work

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  2. Danny Knobgobbler says:

    Daaamn. Dayn Perry is back, ladies and gentlemen.

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  3. nuddles says:

    The shit…

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  4. nuddles says:

    “buy me a son who is going to puke now! What?! His name is Dale?! Thayer?! Fine.”

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  5. Rickie Weeks Incumbent Jheri Curl says:

    Should David Appleman ever truly require help turning his millions into billions; I think it is safe to say that Capital Hedge-funds Brian Harper should be his first call.

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  6. LK says:

    This is a masterpiece.

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  7. Antonio Bananas says:

    and out of one of these sex closets crawled a newborn Bryce Harper?

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  8. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    The 80s: In which the richest human in the universe was under the employ of the Minnesota Twins.

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  9. “Business and Fucking: Secrets to Crushing the Competition in the Boardroom and Bedroom,” chapter 1.

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  10. Mike Green says:

    I thought from the headline that we were going to have biting Canadian political satire from Dayn. I should have known that “Gusher” or “Driller” would have been more likely than “Banknotes”.

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  11. reillocity says:

    “Lord God Cabbage” is now my go-to verbal exclamation of shock.

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  12. Choo says:

    Excellent! A degenerate on the boulevard this morning stirred memories of your Eric Berger mustache watch post (a classic) and I wondered, “Where has THAT Dayne Perry gone?” And here he is.

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  13. Wil says:

    “I’m the principal, and I’m calling you to my office so as to beat your cheeks with a wooden paddle. Dollars.”

    This needs to be on a t-shirt, NOW.

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  14. golden jerseys, sparkle pants says:

    A piece of green tape may or may not be holding the batteries into Coin-purse Harper’s portable communication device, if you know what I mean.

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    • Choo says:

      Bankroll Harper color-codes his phones so he knows who he’s cussing at the moment he answers the damned thing.

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  15. Brian says:

    I had this card when I was little (it’s around somewhere). Still by far my favorite baseball card in my collection.

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  16. nuddles says:

    Its upper deck, bastich

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  17. PD says:

    Apparently Upper Deck made it a habit of photographing players while on the phone. Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

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  18. Greenlee says:

    This is outstanding.

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  19. Jeremy T says:

    The digital loins from which a legend sprouted

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