Banknotes Harper Just Fired the Crap Out of Cal Ripken Jr.

BOX0nNQCIAAiZwJ“Hello?”

tumblr_lzwt8ahva41qbblrpo1_500 “What’s up, dumb-ass? I’m about to fire the crap out of you because you suck at improving my margins. My margins are already the greatest in business history, but that’s not the point, slack-dick. You see, fuck-o, I hired you to drive me around in my Bible-black Duesenberg, which is made of steel and cocks, to business meetings while I sit in the after-market machine-gun turret and fire rubber bullets at the working poor. I told you to drive me to the secret NASDAQ skyscraper that only hot business bastards like me know about. I told you not to take the West Side Highway because it has too many civil servants driving on it. I also told you to introduce yourself as ‘Chappy Tap Shoes’ to my lesser associates — and every one of my associates is necessarily lesser. I told you to put a giant flag on top of my helicopter that reads, ‘Haters Are My Motivators.’ I told you to stop sweating out the velour chauffeur’s cap I bought you, you sexless baldy. I told you to find me a solid-gold tuxedo that’s somehow flexible enough to allow me to practice my Krav Maga in it. You did all of these things dutifully and in respectful silence, but I’m firing you anyway because you smell like a bunch of boogers. Got it, cheese curl? Now I’m going to have all my cash bronzed and then go pork a bunch of people. Butt-face.”

BOX0nNQCIAAiZwJ“Okay.”

(Both love and rockets to @EliNellis, who passed along the Ripken image)




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 8 months ago

I wonder, what ringtone does Banknotes Harper have modded onto that formerly ringtone-less speechbrick?

ettin
Guest
ettin
2 years 8 months ago

I don’t think Harper gives out his number to anyone thus he doesn’t require a ringtone.

“I call you when I need something, not you call me when you need something!” or something to that effect.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 8 months ago

You’re probably right.

If you’re wrong, I bet it’s (612) 365-5277 or (612) DOLLARS.

… assuming he still keeps a Minneapolis phone number.

A lesser associate
Guest
A lesser associate
2 years 8 months ago

That’s actually the phone number of Banknote’s 13th Sexretary, Ms Coy Subservience.

PPP
Guest
PPP
2 years 8 months ago

Did I miss something?

Up Yours
Guest
Up Yours
2 years 8 months ago

The Gini coefficient, ****head.

cass
Guest
cass
2 years 8 months ago

Carson needs to do an interview with Banknotes Harper in one of his upcoming podcasts.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 8 months ago

Remember that time that Banknotes Harper’s other chauffeur illegally parked the Bible-Black Duesenberg in Lake Oichaluta, Michigan and received a citation?

What’s that?

You’ve never heard of Lake Oichaluta, Michigan? You say it doesn’t exist?

Exactly.

No more asking questions, okay? You don’t want to suffer the fate of the working poor.

JJ
Guest
JJ
2 years 8 months ago

I especially like how it’s noted that the machine-gun turret is an aftermarket improvement.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
2 years 8 months ago

It’s a damn shame that Ripken is stewarding such a large share of youth baseball in America rather than Banknotes.

Steve
Guest
Steve
2 years 7 months ago

Does anyone know what actually Brian Harper is doing right now?

Steve
Guest
Steve
2 years 7 months ago

Hitting coach for the Iowa Cubs… thanks internets. You woudldn’t think he’d have to work anymore.

KB
Guest
KB
2 years 7 months ago

They still use these phones in most bullpens.

Guy
Guest
Guy
2 years 7 months ago

I can only assume that Zach Morris is next on the firing line.

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