Banknotes Harper Versus Colonel Sanders for Good and All

Colonel Banknotes Soupbones.jpg
“Then I guess,” concluded Banknotes Harper from across the conference table shaped like bad-ass tits, “we can’t agree to a sale price.”

“I suppose not,” drawled Col. Harlan Sanders. “The Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise will remain mine, as it should be.”

“So it would seem,” said Banknotes Harper. “Perhaps I’ll console myself by instead purchasing …”

Banknotes Harper stood, and his erection flipped the table. Colonel Sanders stood, too, flaccid as silly, floppy pancakes. “You wouldn’t dare,” Colonel Sanders trailed off.

“By purchasing, yep, every chicken in the world, ass-back,” thundered Banknotes Harper.

“No!” Pleaded Colonel Sanders.

Banknotes Harper buzzed his secretary. “Eunice, arrange to purchase all chickens everywhere. For lunch I’ll have some sirloins and then more sirloins.”

“Fuck-stick!” bellowed Colonel Sanders, as he brandished the pearl-handled .38 he’d been carrying in his sock.

Banknotes sprung into action, stripped nude and bounded across the tits-table. He disarmed Colonel Sanders with a textbook Krav Maga maneuver, and then landed a right cross on each of his teeth, individually. Colonel Sanders tumbled to the ground in a heap but quickly ate a bunch of chicken — the last bites of chicken that Banknotes Harper did not yet own (Eunice, moments ago, had buzzed him to say that the purchase order had gone through) — for nourishment. Colonel Sanders rose up with a huge gun and shot Banknotes Harper in the lungs and feet. Banknotes Harper then began punching the crap out of Colonel Sanders, who died.

Banknotes Harper then tied a Gadsden flag to his executive letter opener and planted it in Colonel Sanders’s forehead. It whipped in the indoor business breeze. Watching the whole time had been Barbi Benton. She was sitting on the Banknotes Harper Excalibur’s Choice Office SofaTM.

“Eunice,” Banknotes Harper said with his finger on the buzzer. “Hold those sirloins. I’m going to have sex. Give the chickens to the people.”




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


18 Responses to “Banknotes Harper Versus Colonel Sanders for Good and All”

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  1. Brian says:

    I remember that card. It was right up there with Nolan Ryan throwing a football and Nolan Ryan’s bloody lip from Bo Jackson’s batted ball and Billy Ripken’s fuck face card.

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  2. robertobeers says:

    Did your son write this?

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  3. ettin says:

    That post was finger lickin’ good!

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  4. Ur says:

    Bad-ass tits table; sirloins, and then more sirloins; chickens for the people; Barbi Benton…etc.

    Banknotes Harper is the hero the people deserve!

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  5. (Still) James says:

    “Banknotes Harper then began punching the crap out of Colonel Sanders, who died.” #GreatLinesInWesternLit

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  6. Stuck in a Slump says:

    This needs to be turned into a comic book series

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  7. Nestor says:

    Banknotes, the series, is a helluva lot of fun to read. I may teach it in Lit. class next week – not as an analysis of alphamale ideals or a parody of those or anything like that.

    Will Banknotes evr fight communists? That is what I wonder. And, also, will he lose his visceral lust for power if set in neo-Tokyo or similar technological utopia/dystopia.

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  8. Hugh Briss says:

    I just finished reading the Internet.

    This is its Revelations.

    Now I can die.

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  9. Dr. Interwebs says:

    Not bad for a guy who’s not a Real Catholic.

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  10. Mr. Observant says:

    A visceral read – and a judicious turn to change the names of Dayn Perry and Jeff Sullivan into Banknotes Harper and Colonel Sanders, respectively. I imagine this is not too far off how your last encounter on Internet Street actually transpired. Gripping reportage!

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  11. John Elway says:

    Knocking out all the teeth, individually, of the most-toothed man in the entire state of Kentucky?

    I am beyond impressed.

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  12. Jenstrom says:

    I think Banknotes Harper is ingesting synthetic testosterone. What else could accout for his uber-male behavior?

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  13. robertobeers says:

    No mention of arbitrage means Banknotes meant business.

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