Banned from South Korea, Orioles Look to the North

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“North Korean baseball players are the new market inefficiency.” — Dan Duquette

It took a while – sources were exhausted, as they say – but the NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has delivered, for your reading pleasure, an exclusive interview with Baltimore Orioles general manager Dan Duquette, about the international incident that was the signing of 17-year-old Kim Seong-min.

NotGraphs: Mr. Duquette, thanks for your time, and for taking our call. We appreciate it.

Dan Duquette: Who is this? How did you get this number?

NG: Let’s get right down to business: Kim Seong-min. Today, Baltimore Orioles scouts are banned from South Korea. What the hell, man?

DD: Look, it began innocently enough. All I asked for was Korean food for lunch. Some Bulgogi. I love Bulgogi.

NG: Me too. It’s delicious.

DD: I thought it would be good for morale, a company lunch, for the front office. You know, a big spread, we all sit down and break bread together. I passed the information down the ladder, and one of our interns was put in charge. The next thing I know, we’re eating Thai food for lunch, we’ve got a 17-year-old signed out of South Korea, and both the Korean Baseball Organization and the Korean Baseball Association are up my ass. Not to mention Bud Selig. Trust me, we had no intentions for this to blow up the way it did.

NG: It all sounds rather unfortunate. What did you think of the “off limits to scouts from Baltimore Orioles sign”?

DD: What sign?

NG: Nevermind. I hear you’re still going to try to sign Seong-min?

DD: Yep. The poor kid’s been banned from playing baseball in South Korea, so it’s the least we can do for him. And he makes a mean Bulgogi. We’re the Orioles, we’ll find a spot for him.

NG: I love that attitude, Mr. Duquette. When one door closes, another one opens.

DD: That’s actually not the case with the Orioles, as I’m quickly learning. When one door slams shut, another few, like, five or six, close along with it. But we’re moving forward. We have to.

NG: That brings me to my next point. Now that Orioles have been banned from South Korea, I hear you’re sending scouts to North Korea. Is that true?

DD: Indeed it is, son. North Korean baseball players are the new market inefficiency. Just don’t tell anyone I told you that.

NG: Your secret’s safe with me, sir.

DD: What does FanGraphs know about North Korean baseball?

NG: What do we know? Not much. I’ve heard Kim Jong-un is a Yankees fan. Which doesn’t really surprise me. What a prick.

DD: I was hoping you guys might know some stuff. What about Cameron? Cistulli?

NG: I don’t know, Mr. Duquette. I guess I could ask them.

DD: That would be great.

NG: What are your scouts saying?

DD: I actually haven’t heard from them, since they crossed over into North Korean territory.

NG: Well, that’s not good.

DD: No, it really isn’t.

NG: Uh, I’m sure they’re fine.

DD: I really hope so. I’m sure they are, too. I really appreciate their hard work. We’re going where no other ball club has gone before. The possibilities are limitless, you know. There could be an entire professional North Korean baseball league up there that no one even knows about. And we, the Orioles, we’re going to find out. And we’re going to reap the benefits. By the time we’re done with North Korea, only Baltimore scouts will be allowed in the country. Everyone else will be banned. This is the new Baltimore Orioles way.

NG: Godspeed, Mr. Duquette. Thanks for your time today.

DD: No, thank you. Tell the world our story.

NG: Will do. Cheers.

Image credit: The Associated Press’s Patrick Semansky, stolen shamelessly from Grantland.



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Navin Vaswani is a replacement-level writer. Follow him on Twitter.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Minor Leaguer
Guest

Baseball is a sport of aggressive American capitalist imperialism enjoyed by their puppets in south Korea!!!

ettin
Guest
ettin

If I am not mistaken I believe I counted 38 parallel’s to baseball in that article?

Piranhaman
Guest
Piranhaman

obviously, Orioles and DD did a rude thing to Korea and their baseball system. America should know they aren’t a king of the world.

Chris
Guest
Chris

Really? The kid was out of high school and was months away from being 18, they jumped the gun thinking that it would be harmless, and it would have been harmless if it had been allowed. South Korea is making a huge stink of it to make an example out of the Orioles.

Piranhaman
Guest
Piranhaman

hey, Chris. the kid is STILL a student. Korea has different system than America. he should spend one more year to graduate highschool. so he hasn’t yet a license to contract or contact to pro club as well. Orioles didn’t respect it. okay?

Sanghyun lee
Guest
Sanghyun lee

Korea respect draft system of America, but they don’t. What does baseball mean? Gaining more runs than its competitor entirely based on the spirit of fair play. The Orioles entirely lost that deadly simple spirit.

Peter R
Guest
Peter R

Yay Google Translate!

melbredsox
Member
melbredsox

‘That’s actually not the case with the Orioles, as I’m quickly learning. When one door slams shut, another few, like, five or six, close along with it.’

Amazing

Bryz
Guest

Watch the Orioles “accidentally” leak that Kim Jong-Un lead North Korean baseball in home runs, stolen bases, and ERA last season, hoping that another team will waste a couple million dollars on signing him.

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