Baseball Card Tourney: Backman vs Hernandez

We have our first upset. Dave Winfield obviously wasn’t taking the whole thing very serious and Warren Brusstar glared his way to victory. Maybe Winfield was ranked too highly, or maybe he was just bored, or maybe it was October in his world, but Brusstar’s constipated fire beat the sated mmplops look. Maybe that says something about our bathroom preferences.

Anyway. It’s time to move on. This week we have two classic Mets figures going head to head. Could we have another fire and ice pairing? Looks like it.

#2 1981 Donruss Keith Hernandez
Listen, the stratedery is clear. I’ve got an ace in the hole, and that’s one fact. I’m Keith Hernandez. Sure, I’m not coming through so clearly in this picture. Sure, this dang card lists the fact that I hit .351 for Triple-A Tulsa as one of my achievements. Sure, these baby blue Cardinals uniforms are an affront to well-dressed men everywhere. I’m Keith Hernandez. I can look good in anything. This guy? He looks a little angry. I could go down there and give him a good spanking if he needs it. He looks like he does need it. You know why I don’t wear batting gloves? I’m no sadist or masochist. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not those. Well, the jury is out I guess. You know how smooth I am? My mustache has a trash-talking app. Yeah, there’s an app for that. You know what? I’m not worried about this. Let’s go get some tootsie roll pops.

#7 1983 Fleer Wally Backman
Hardy har you frigging ass-kissing corporate booth hound, hardy har. I’d like to stifle a yawn at your yammering if I wasn’t ready to bust your teeth into your stomach. Goddam mustache. I could have a mustache too you don’t see me bragging about the thing. My five o’clock shadow is about a million times tougher than nose rat you got going. Did you know? I’m an avid hunter that bagged a 1,500 lb Elk last fall. The card doesn’t say that I ran that sucker down and killed it with my bowie. You really want a piece of this? Look how soft you look. I’m a goddam piece of granite. Look at your smirk. I’m three seconds from a fight, you’re three seconds from ending up in bed with some chick. You’re soft, Keith, and I got your tootsie roll pop right here. Come and frigging get it you pussy.

Print This Post

Graphs: Baseball, Roto, Beer, brats (OK, no graphs for that...yet), repeat. Follow him on Twitter @enosarris.

15 Responses to “Baseball Card Tourney: Backman vs Hernandez”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. The Only Nolan says:

    Wally Backman wins sitting down…in front of his fireplace, smoking a pipe, with Keith Hernandez’s mustache hanging on the wall next to that elk he killed.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. strongbad56 says:


    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. This brings back terrible memories. Momma married a nice guy and made love so passionate that I popped out 9 months later. Daddy was too nice for Momma and she eventually drove him away. She started hanging out with guys like Wally and every night Wally would hurt momma. He’d hurt her bad. I still hear it in my nightmares: “Harder Wally, Harder. Don’t Ever Stop.”

    Sometimes i’d have to go potty and I’d see bare-assed Wally smoking a Winston and drinking Tang straight from the Jug. Wally would tell me that the Astronauts drank Tang and that my darlin’ momma had the best Tang in New Jersey. I told Wally that it’s cause Momma put extra sugar in it for me, and Wally would also respond with “Damn, I love that sweet, sweet, Tang”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. TheGrandslamwich says:

    I gotta give it to Hernandez. That’s a pretty decent mustache, and Wally’s name is Wally.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Yirmiyahu says:

    Wally Backman, who is actually chewing on Keith Hernandez’ bones.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. fly eli says:


    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. TheBigDawg says:

    Wally at Wrigley beats Keith at Wrigley. Rumor has it that Wally wiped his ass with Keith’s mustache.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. thom frost says:

    Keith, hands down…..look how mellow he is. he is post-coke fueled and chilling. Wally makes me tense just looking at him. And, Keith never had to platoon with someone named Teufel

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Garrett says:

    Keith in a landslide. To quote Mr. Hernandez, “Well that’s an outing that will get you straight to the local bar – give me a double!”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Shawn says:

    the baby blues lose it for me – Wally it is!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Liz says:

    Wally, Hands Down. Keith might break a nail

    Vote -1 Vote +1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Current ye@r *