Baseball Players I Can Now and Would Marry

Ben Revere

In celebration of today’s landmark decisions on the right of all adult Americans to marry the people they love, regardless of race, creed, or gender, here is a list of baseball people I would marry, if I wasn’t already hitched to a woman who would skin me alive for even mentioning the possibility of ending our blissful union and taking up with someone else:

Ben Revere – Because his smile contains all the glories and wonder of the universe.

The Phillie Phanatic – Because it’s good to laugh.

Joe Mauer – Because he seems so gentle.

Derek Jeter – Because he should finally settle down with someone nice, and he’s so handsome.

Yasiel Puig – Because of the page views.

Ron Washington – His little dances are so endearing.

Chase Utley – Because, with all the rehab he has to do, he’d be home more often. And I bet his health insurance is great.

Roy Oswalt – Because he seems really handy.

Andrelton Simmons – Because he’s all hands, if you know what I mean.

Mike Trout – Because he does everything well.

Mark Buehrle – Because he’s a quick worker.


On the other hand, I have no interest in marrying:

Kirk Gibson – Too intense

AJ Pierzynski – Too much of an asshole

Delmon Young – Too anti-semitic

Alex Rodriguez – History’s greatest monster


Drew Butera  – Who just sucks at everything.

Print This Post

Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

29 Responses to “Baseball Players I Can Now and Would Marry”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. CB says:

    One of the few Notgraphs posts my wife enjoyed as much as I did. Gratz!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Keith Waters says:

    Why don’t you advocate for the right to marry one of them as well as keeping your wife? That would be true equality.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Balthazar says:

      My response exactly. Loved the post.

      What if Jeter finally came out and married Ben: Would you go to the wedding, or sulk?

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Urban Shocker says:

    Notgraphs runs a FMK piece. My life is complete.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. steex says:

    Now that you can marry baseball players, where do we draw the line? What’s to stop someone from wanting to marry a greyhound or polo horse?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Nick says:

    Munenori Kawasaki because OBVIOUSLY!

    +6 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Mr. Smooth says:

    Cistulli will be happy that he can marry Max Scherzer now.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Tim says:

    Actually, you do still have to get them to agree.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. TimothyS says:

    Wouldn’t Drew Butera frequently sucking be a plus?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. The Sixth Most Compelling Fringe Prospect says:

    Bartolo Colon.

    I’m a boobs guy, just saying.

    +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Adam says:

    Everyone knows that Jimmy Carter is history’s greatest monster.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Iglew says:

    The Court’s decision does not apply to “all adult Americans”. Only Americans in the states that have legalized it. At the moment, that is WA, CA, MN, IA, MD, DE, NY, and all of New England.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • cass says:

      You forgot DC, whose residents do not have representation in Congress and yet still must pay federal taxes.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Mike Bates says:

      In fact, it does apply to all adult Americans, who all now enjoy the same rights and benefits as each other, regardless of who they marry. And Prop 8 was essentially struck down, making same sex marriage legal in California. And note, I never said it gives people the right to marry, but pertains to that right. But you’re right, because section 2 of DOMA still stands (for reasons that are completely baffling to me, and which I wasn’t aware of until now), those states who do prohibit same sex marriages don’t have to respect those marriages entered into in other states.

      Also, note that you’re no fun. No fun at all. Remind me not to invite you to any parties, Captain Bummerpants.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. Scranton says:

    Today’s decision doesn’t give anyone a right to marry anyone. All today’s decision does is prohibit the federal government from denying same sex married couples any benefit entitled to married couples if a same sex couple’s marriage is recognized by the state in which it was performed. Nothing decided today prohibits states from denying same sex couples the right to marry; no constitutional right for same sex couples to marry was determined to exist (or not exist) today.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Marty says:

    Manny Ramirez, because I would live the most excisting life EVER

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Nick says:

    I would marry Brett Myers and then punch him in the face.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. MSpitz says:

    One problem. If you married Derek Jeter, he probably wouldn’t give you a gift basket.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. Carla says:

    Who would be the best lover? And the worst?

    I’m leaning towards Gattis because he’s manly yet sensitive and wouldn’t be busy looking in the mirror (like Pierzynski no doubt.)

    Worst – Valverde. (The rituals and routines. And that goatee.)

    Vote -1 Vote +1