In celebration of today’s landmark decisions on the right of all adult Americans to marry the people they love, regardless of race, creed, or gender, here is a list of baseball people I would marry, if I wasn’t already hitched to a woman who would skin me alive for even mentioning the possibility of ending our blissful union and taking up with someone else:
Ben Revere – Because his smile contains all the glories and wonder of the universe.
The Phillie Phanatic – Because it’s good to laugh.
Joe Mauer – Because he seems so gentle.
Derek Jeter – Because he should finally settle down with someone nice, and he’s so handsome.
Yasiel Puig – Because of the page views.
Ron Washington – His little dances are so endearing.
Chase Utley – Because, with all the rehab he has to do, he’d be home more often. And I bet his health insurance is great.
Roy Oswalt – Because he seems really handy.
Andrelton Simmons – Because he’s all hands, if you know what I mean.
Mike Trout – Because he does everything well.
Mark Buehrle – Because he’s a quick worker.
On the other hand, I have no interest in marrying:
Kirk Gibson – Too intense
AJ Pierzynski – Too much of an asshole
Delmon Young – Too anti-semitic
Alex Rodriguez – History’s greatest monster
Drew Butera – Who just sucks at everything.