Baseball Rules the Universe

According to the above photo, baseball has officially taken over the entire universe today. While MLB has yet to release a PR statement, there is all kinds of talk floating around Dallas speculating what this will mean for us, the people of Earth.

• Everyone will be drafted; not for the army, but by potential employers. For the next six years, you will work for pennies on the dollar compared to what you’re worth (unless you’re a top-250 pick), but then you’ll get to explore the market for your services. Some call it indentured servitude, but I call it progress.

• You will not be in line for a promotion if the rest of your team sucks. Guilt by association. In a few years, this sentiment will eventually go away, but until then, get used to not being praised for your accomplishments.

• All things in life will now have a three-strikes, four-balls system. If you do well on four work projects, you will receive an automatic bonus. If you screw up three times, you’re fired. No if, ands, or buts.

• Just like baseball’s three-outs systems, once you get fired from three different jobs, you are no longer allowed to work for the next two years. You will be forced to find a Sugar Momma or Daddy to support yourself, as life is now out of your hands.

I, for one, welcome our new baseball overlords and their maverick policies.

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Zach is the creator and co-author of RotoGraphs' Roto Riteup series, and RotoGraphs' second-longest tenured writer. You can follow him on twitter.

5 Responses to “Baseball Rules the Universe”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Wow. Rule 5 was a national trend.

    Next up: UZR.

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  2. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: God Bless America.

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    • bluejaysstatsgeek says:

      …or as Yakov Smirnoff (see other NotGraphs post) would say, “America, what a country!”

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  3. Big Jgke says:


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  4. Steve Balboni says:

    Re #1. You described doctors.

    Re#5. You forgot groupies and STDs.

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